Expanded Intimacy

Continuing on Hold Me Tight

2010-06-26T12:15:00.000-07:00

In the book Hold Me Tight Sue Johnson often accurately depicts patterns and cycles couples can get into that can block growth and development in a relationship. Invariably this is presented in often oversimplified terms. If she were to include all of the intricacies that exist in relationship she might have ended up with something more like Ulysses than a self help book. In addition to the necessary oversimplification she seems to also engage in some seemingly less necessary oversimplification.

She seems content to look at the patterns of engagement without concern for the real problems that may exist in a relationship that, in fact, may be causing the bad patterns of interaction. My sense is that the pattern of interaction is a means of navigating problems and other aspects of a relationship. Without understanding the problems and other aspects of the relationship the pattern of interaction is a rather sterile and disconnected bit of information. This EFT does not seem to be a holistic systems approach.

To the point that I have read she seems to treat bad relationship patterns like the common cold, in that they are just something that arises and you must deal with. There is no knowable cause.
She seems intent on avoiding allocution of responsibility as this is to blame. The obvious example of a possible problem with this approach is the person who is a victim of domestic violence. In the Hold Me Tight paradigm no one is at fault. Even in much healthier relationships there are causes of destructive patterns. It is less likely to rest on the plate of only one partner but at times it might. Refusing to accept this seems to be a rather Pollyanna and unhelpful approach. This is not to say that both partners should not take responsibility for all relationship problems. It is not your fault if your partner is an alcoholic; but you may be supportive by arranging an intervention or by not allowing yourself to become an enabler.

Failing to do an inventory of significant problems in a relationship before looking at the patterns in the relationship seems a little like setting off for a destination that you have not been to without directions. Being a good driver will not get you there even though good driving is important.

On page 79-80 she says
___
For Years, Therapists have misguidedly viewed this pattern in terms of disputes and power struggles and have attempted to resolve it by teaching problem-solving skills. This is a little like offering a Kleenex as a cure for viral pneumonia. It ignores the “hot” attachment issues that underlie the pattern. Rather than conflict or control, the issue, from an attachment perspective, is emotional balance.
___

This is a problem solving approach. It simply boils everything down to one very vague problem: hot attachment issues. And offers only one solution: change your pattern of interaction. It does also seem like she is blaming her peers for being misguided.

This is not to say that she does not provide valuable insight into cycles of interaction. Certainly I can see this in my own relationship. But I also know that the problems are a contributor to the patterns and as such breaking the patterns is at least partly dependent on solving the problems. The patterns are to some extent an artifact of the problems. Additionally, despite her dismissal of the idea, axiomatic to these problems are the components of our past, especially our youth. We learn our attachment patterns long before we come to an adult relationship. Those patterns may not be static but they are the building blocks that we are given and they remain a part of our foundation.

Responses to questions on pages 57 and 58

2010-05-23T10:18:00.000-07:00

Accessible

1. I can get my partner’s attention easily. F Of course this depends on what you mean by attention. If I say hey I heed to talk to you about something, she will sit down with me. Her responses will be few and thin and no matter how important I think this may be, she will not bring it up again unless I force the issue. Do I really have her attention? She gave me the time to state whatever I wanted to but she brought little to the issue.
2. My partner is easy to connect to emotionally. F again this is too simplistic.
3. My partner shows me that I come first with her. T
4. I am not feeling lonely or shut out in this relationship. F
5. I can share my deepest feelings with my partner. She will listen. T to the extent that listening means being physically present while I speak. To the extent that listening entails any sort of emotional connection, not so much.

Responsive

1. If I need comfort and connection she will be there. F she will physically be there if I ask her to be, but there will be no content to her presence.
2. My partner responds to signals that I need her to be there. F
3. I find that I can lean on my partner when I am anxious or unsure. T
4. Even when we fight or disagree, I know that I am important to my partner and we will come together. F This is a compound question. Part is true and part is not thus the statement is not true.
5. If I need reassurance about how important I am to my partner I can get it. T Again this is a stupid and misleading question. In words I can get it in actions not so much.
Engaged
1. I feel very comfortable being close to, trusting my partner. F again stupid question. I feel comfortable being close to my partner to the extent that she wants to be close. But not to the extent that I want to be close. The differential is the issue.
2. I can confide in my partner about almost anything. T
3. I feel comfortable, even when we are apart, that we are connected to each other. T another stupid question. Connected in what way? We have children together and a common address. Those are connections.
4. I know that my partner cars about my joys, hurts, and fears. T
5. I feel safe enough to take emotional risks with my partner. T

Funny, no matter what you scored this book is the answer. And if that does not work we have some snake oil that you can apply liberally to your relationship.

More on Hold me Tight

2010-05-23T08:41:00.000-07:00

Okay, cynicisms is well stoked. Like we so often see in academia, especially popular writing of academic subjects, there is a sales job going on here. Academics can be so disingenuous. It seems that much of what Johnson is presenting here as new and even revolutionary is nothing more than repackaging. Create a new lexicon, relabel things and claim them as new and uniquely your own. There is some merit in creating a new lexicon. Langue is the paint with which we project our reality. Changing the lexicon is like changing the color with which we paint. Claiming that this is radically new seems to be an arrogant overstatement.

What I find even more offensive are these faux dialogues that she claims to be taken straight from her sessions with clients. I'm sorry but that is just not the case. There is one guy who is totally emotionally inaccessible to his wife but articulates emotional maturity and insight in connecting to his daughter. I have never noticed such marked disconnect in emotional capacity from one relationship to the next. With this same couple she records short statements of total understanding later in her revolutionary approach. This is not just bullshit, it is insulting bullshit. She thinks that her readers cannot see through this. It makes it difficult to continue reading her.

She speaks of the astonishing epiphany that couples are not negotiating, they are seeking primal emotional connection. She does not seem to recognize that one can negotiated for emotional connection. She makes the correlation to the bonds that children seek with their parents. I can only imagine that this woman does not have children and that she has not spent much time with them. Children constantly negotiate for emotional bonds.

She says that couples are engaged in “primal panic response.” What is this? Fight or flight? Whatever similarities there may be, they need to be spelled out and not glossed over. The only thing that I can think is how this dynamic is very different than what I perceive to be a “primal panic response.” This seems of be another example of disingenuous academic bullshit. Primal panic response does not seem to be a well identified or elaborated concept. When Googled the first two hits were a business site and backyardchickens.com, the third is a pdf by “administrator” which is the exact language from the book and that cites the book. In popular psych. There seems to be a mystical power in manufactured concepts they are imbued with the power of full imagination that is to be taken unquestioningly.

This whole approach also seems to be heavily invested in the idea that all security and wholeness comes through one primary relationship. Talk about a fairytale approach. It is also somewhat of a self fulfilling approach. It encourages people to become completely dependent on one primary relationship, which tends to make them so isolated and frail that that relationship is the sole source of emotional security. Even if one restricts themselves to just one sexual relationship, this does not preclude them from taking significant sustenance from other kinds of relationship than can support the primary relationship and also take pressure off of it.

Again, this approach seems to completely overlook the fact that different people have different needs for emotional connection. This differential is a significant in my relationship. I would say that it is probably the single most problematic issue.

Interestingly she early on begins to avoid the issues contained in this dynamic. She suggested that analysis of childhood issues is of little value. Later she speaks of a couple’s “raw spots” and she even suggests that this woman’s “raw spot” was related to abandonment issues that she had with her father but she glosses and goes right past that little tidbit.

To the point that I have read she has spoken about ARE: Accessibility, Responsiveness and Engagement. Perhaps she will come back to this with better distinction and differentiation but to this point I do not see much difference between responsiveness and engagement.

She sets up the possibility of a nice metaphor but seems incapable of grasping it herself. That metaphor is of the conversation. There are actual and direct conversation that each take on a pattern. This she identifies and talks about. What she misses is that relationships also unfold in a sort of conversation over time with patterns. She seems to be capable of only seeing the patterns in the actual conversation. When you think that she may be about to make the more sophisticated connection to relationship as conversation she only manages to use the made up conversations of her amazing couples sessions. This is a significant failure of insight.

Nonetheless, I shall go on, cynicism in check. Despite the failures of an approach, it can also have merit. My job is to find merit in this approach.

Hold Me Tight

2010-05-15T15:22:00.000-07:00

In reading Hold Me Tight by Sue Johnson, I find much of it to be self fulfilling projection and bad science. Inevitably all psychology is bad science. Most psychologists are defensive of such claims, as they try to isolate human variables in dehumanizing ways. It seems that perhaps understanding the reasons that psychology is inherently unscientific might be liberating to its practitioners.

As an example on page 24 she states, “Science from all fields is telling us very clearly that we are not only social animals but animals that need a special kind of close connection with others, and we deny this at our peril.”

Science from all fields? What fields are we distinguishing science from in this regard? Literature? Engineering? Trash collection? What is happening is not so much that science is telling us very clearly as it is that she is using science on which to project her creation of EFCT. What is it telling us? That we are not just social animals but animals that need a very special kind of close connection with others. That is a distinction without a difference.

I don’t mean to be overly critical of Dr. Johnson, really the criticism is much broader than just her. This is the sort of free range projection that seems unavoidable when a holistic subject is approached from a reductionist perspective. And this is not to say that there is not merit mixed with the manure. It seems that the idea of the primacy of secure human bonds is important. But this discussion of those bonds seems vague, what is the nature of these bonds. To this point it seems to be a unifying human need undistinguishable between us and little impacted by personality or environment. If you got it, all is good, and if you don’t, your doomed.

Despite this cynicism I see some personal relevance in this notion. This connection that she speaks of seems to be an over simplified concept of transcendence. While I see the bonds of transcendence as manifold and varied, I do see this as key to meaning and fulfillment.

My life has been significantly impacted by being the product of two indifferent and disengaged parents. Life decisions have been formulated around a fear of rejection even more so than a need for connection. But that is not quite so simple, nor does the need for connection stand alone as single variable. As discussed in the previous post libido is a significant variable. Sexuality is a crucial conduit to connection, especially in primary relationships. J.P. Sartre said that true transcendence is only possible at the point of mutual orgasm when two people are completely open to each other and completely vulnerable. I am not sure that I know what “true” transcendence is but I do think that vulnerability and openness are important ingredients for adult transcendence. In this regard things such as libido are crucial components in bond forming. I do not think, as Johnson seems to be suggesting, that the connections between parents and children are the same as bonds between lovers in a relationship.

I guess that my issue here is that this approach seems over simplified. For one thing she seems to assume that each partner has the same need for connection. This differential seems to be a signifcant variable.

Malleable Libidos

2010-05-15T10:31:00.001-07:00

It seems that libido is significantly misunderstood and mainly not understood. Though not well read in the area, it seems that the field of psychology does not deal well with this issue. While there are a few general audience books on the issue of libido differentials in couples, I’m not sure how much real research there is on the full complex of what the libido is. But I suspect that this is an area especially evasive to a reductionist approach.

How does one measure libido? Frequency of orgasm may be one way of attempting this, but that is an indirect correlation at best. It is likely that one person will be driven to seek release when less aroused and another may hold of. Some seem to take an ascetic approach and wait until the pressure is extreme. This, after all, is the Christian approach. You are only supposed to spill your seed for reasons of procreation. I will avoid the obvious diatribe against the infuriating Catholic crimes of abuse and refusal to be responsible.

But really I suspect that there is more to the void in the field of psychology around the issue of libido than just an issue of quantification, though I am not prepared to articulate these ill-formed thoughts. Basically it is this: the reductionist approach of science is objective which is external. Libido is a conduit to what is most internal or subjective. The faith of science refuses, or is incapable of, dealing with the inherently subjective. Though this is way too linear, there is a trinity of dots to be connected from objective to subjective and then transcendent (some may prefer the term spiritual, though I reject that tired old lexicon.)

It appears to me that Libido is significantly a factor in the development of aspects of personality and especially in the dynamics of relationships, even ones that are not sexual. Nonetheless, in the various matrices of personality libido does not appear. Do they even create matrix for relationship? What I have noticed is that they look at the profiles of the individuals but not of the relationship itself, as if the relationship were not greater than the sum of the parts. This, of course, is the limitation of a reductionist approach and why the field of psychology is so flawed. Scientific materialism is all about the parts and little capable of dealing with the relationships between them. Even relationships between objects are a problem (thank you Dr. Heisenberg.)

One thing that I have noticed is that Libido is not static. I am not only speaking of the ebb and flow of desire but also of the ways that desire is impacted. A few things from my own experience. Growing up I was not one of the large percentage of boys who had bisexual desires or experiences. I never thought of, dreamed of, or desired other boys. In high school it was thoughts of the locker room that helped quell inappropriate arousal when in the company of a young woman. Then at the age of 18 in a conversation that was philosophical in nature a friend in a large group of young men suggested that at least statistically one of us and maybe more were gay or at least bisexual and that we would be unlikely to have discovered this because of social scripting.

For the first time I began thinking about this question. It did not take long to ascertain that I was neither of these things. But in thinking about it, I decided that it would be best to be bisexual and I wondered about the flexibility of desire. I had fairly well convinced myself that my desire was not flexible enough to allow men in when I had an experience, which I think that I have written about in this blog, in which I was able to suck another man’s dick. Granted, this was a five second experience that had a lot less to do with my desire to suck a cock than it did with a sense of accomplishment at having overcome a hurtle. In terms of the issue at hand, this was made possible because of elevated arousal provided by extreme circumstance created by the man’s wife.

My point is that libido becomes much more malleable when highly aroused.

The woman of this same couple also provided insight for me in this area. I have known these folks for as long as I have known my wife. From the first meeting I really liked this woman. As our friendship developed she soon became one of my favorite people. Nonetheless, I never felt the slightest tinge of sexual desire for her. She just was not my type. For a short while in college I shared a room with her and my wife. In the morning when she would get up before us and walk around in her underwear or less, I would roll over so that I did not see her. I’m sure that she thought I was being a gentleman but I just did not want to see her.

Over time those feelings began to change. One ingredient was my overall appreciation for who she was. Another was her open sense of sexuality. She was high libido and felt comfortable, at least with close friends, talking about desire and sexuality. In the early years she was able to make me very aroused without creating a desire for her, such as the time that I momentarily sucked her husband’s dick. There were other times when she acted openly sexual and created nice sexual energy. This probably worked because her sexuality was never directed at a desire for me. It was more an act of exhibitionism for herself.

Then some years later after they had moved to another state we went to visit them. My wife had, in a bargain before we went, agreed to have sex with the husband. Something she would not have agreed to if it was not something that she desired (but that is a different posting.) Anyway it became unavoidable that I would also have sex with the wife who I had no sexual attraction for. While in a sense this was taking one for the team, I do not view it that way. While I never looked back on this experience with her when I fantasize, it was a very sweet and tender experience. That was only the case because I had such deep fondness for her and was able, in making love to her, to draw on those feelings and to express a genuine sense of love, even if it did not include lust.

Perhaps this is not so much an experience in which libido was malleable, as it was an experience of expanding my sense of the sophistication of the regions that we usually travel to through libido.

Over the last several years the makeup of my libido has changed a good deal. Perhaps this is an inevitable aspect of aging, but I think that it is also a product of the ways in which I was allowed to expand my libido earlier in life.
In my early forties I had a relationship with another couple. In this relationship the man and I would spend hours pleasing his wife. At first there was no contact between the men, in time there was incidental contact and then he would at times fondle me, usually in the process of pushing me against his wife. And in time I did the same for him. This was nothing like the ah ha experience of my earlier dick sucking episode. I really didn’t give this much thought. While I didn’t mind and maybe even enjoyed this touching, it was not something that felt sexually compelling. Then, one night, the wife asked me to go down on her while she was being fucked by her husband. This was not something that I wanted to do. While I wanted to please her I was very reluctant. Again I think that I have written earlier about this in more detail. In the end I was not only able to do this, I found it tremendously arousing. This is not a discovery I could have made if not extremely aroused.

As my desire to see my wife with other men has developed out of my psychological needs, I, at first, began to enjoy images of strong hard cocks penetrating women as it provoked thoughts of what I would like to see my wife engage in. I was able to interpret this as a sort of bi sexual image because in it the cock took form and was integral. The image or thought was not just of the woman but of the woman and man both. I focused on this aspect and in doing so was able to better develop the image of the cock. Now I am able to be at least somewhat aroused by the image of some erect cocks.

After the experience of going down on my gf who was being fucked by her husband, I have been able to develop the fantasy of sucking a cock. At first this was the image of sucking a cock that had been in my wife by now I can imagine just sucking a cock.

I have always been dubious of the idea that there are some fantasies that are just for the imagination and that one would not want to actualize them. This seems like conceding to sex negative social scripting. The only reason not to indulge your fantasies is because they are nasty or wrong. The exception to this is indulging fantasies that involve unwilling partners. But even that can be worked around. The most common example is women’s rape fantasies. While it is true that women should not put them in uncontrolled situations of rape, this does not mean that they cannot role play the scenario even with strangers if enough protection is provided. But the most common commentary is that these are just fantasies that women do not really want to experience. Sorry but that is bull shit. Nonetheless, I recognize that it is very likely that I would be disappointed and possibly disgusted if I tried to live out these fantasies. These are fantasies that I have in a sense manufactured. Hopefully sometime I will have a chance to find out.

These bisexual fantasies grow out of desires for women not men. There continue to be real limitations to erotic feelings that I can have for men. In fact I do not have erotic feelings for men so much as I do for parts of their body mainly as it relates to women. Kissing a man is not something that I would enjoy. I could not enjoy giving a man a sensual massage nor would I want to receive one from a man. A man’s butt is completely unappealing to me.

So what does this mean in terms of the original thesis that I started with? I am not completely sure but in my life libido seems to have been not just flexible but also somewhat responsive to my own freewill. Arousal has been a key component in allowing me to stretch into new experiences and desires. Like most other people, I have been unable to explore the boundaries of where these tools might take me.

What does this mean in terms of trying to help open the doors of my wife’s sexuality? The big thing is the degree to which heightened arousal can facilitate new experiences and discoveries. She seems unable to acknowledge her own sexual desire even when it seems obvious to an observer. An example is her agreement to have sex with the husband when we traveled to see our old friends. Knowing my wife I can say she would not have agreed to this if the desire had not been there. Nonetheless, she is unable to describe this as anything other than something she did solely for me. When she is in a situation of heightened arousal with another man she is able to do things that she would not otherwise do, even though she later refutes that.

Examples of these experiences include dick sucking, willingly kissing with upturned and accepting face, riding a man while sitting up with proud posture for him to gaze on her; initiation of efforts such as removing clothing and touching in ways that are not usual for her such as hungrily grabbing a dick.

It occurs to me that being in these heightened states of arousal are the hope that we have for opening the door to her sexuality. This though ignores the underlying issues of why she is resistant to almost all intimacy. There is an anxiety response that is not necessarily addressed by creating situations that allow for heightened arousal. One can imagine that this may even exacerbate the anxiety. My observation is that it does not exacerbate the anxiety and it seems to even lessen it somewhat, due to conditioning. But it does not address the issue. Nonetheless, short of another approach, my hope would be that over time, these experiences of heightened arousal might lead her to discoveries that will allow her to better discover the cause of the anxiety on her own. I would like to see us continue rather than curtail situations that arouse her libido and to back those experiences up with counseling aimed at discovery. In the past when we have had these experiences and I have tried to get her to talk about it, she would deny the feelings that were quite obvious. It was obvious that she had feelings that were different than when she is less aroused. There is in these experiences a point at which a switch is thrown and she becomes a willing and desiring participant. My sense is that Libido has valance levels and that is but the first switch. What is not obvious is exactly what she is feeling beyond what I can see in the way she is reacting. When I try to speak to her about these events she denies having had feelings and resents that I assume to know anything about her feelings much less something that she does not know. This is where counseling may help. Someone else that she does not have a relationship with may be better able to help her into exploring her feelings.

The problem is that the counselor seems to want to focus on the bond between just the two of us. Not that this is not a focus that I am also interested on. But it is tied to the myth of monogamy and ignores the power of libido.

I do believe that there is baby in the bathwater of monogamy. The myth is not so much wrong as it is resistant to growth through revision. After thirty years of marriage, you can be certain that I believe in the value of primary relationships. What I do not buy into is that the primary relationship makes people whole.though it should make us more complete. There are relationship needs and desires beyond the primary relationship - sexual and otherwise. To be sure there must be a foundation of trust and caring if a couple is to go safely outside the primary relationship. But it is just silly to assume that a woman who has been married to the same man for thirty years in a relationship that has had sexual issues is not going to experience heightened arousal with a different man. Part of this has to do with habituated sexual responses within the relationship and part of it has to do with the neurochemistry of hormones and enzymes that are released with a new partner. Clearly heightened arousal has significant power to provide insight and growth.

Something New

2010-05-09T05:40:00.000-07:00

Lindi and I have started going to a couples councilor. We have had one session though it lasted a couple of hours. She is a couple of hours from where we live so we will have less frequent visits that last longer.

I have long had distain for the field psychology and most especially, clinical psychology. Psychology’s attempt to cram something so totally subject into the box of academic objectivity epitomizes the narrowness of western materialism. Though there are some interesting findings to be found in the one variable approach it is always distorted like an impressionist interpretation viewed in the mirror of a fun house.

At the other end of the spectrum is the sort of hippie dippie eastern mysticism, yoga, one love approach. While I find more merit in this approach, Lindi is totally skeptical here. This woman seems to embrace both approaches.

I went into this meeting skeptical and with a sense of desperation. I am totally bruised from running into the brick wall of Lindi’s emotional and sexual inaccessibility but by the same token I am increasingly committed to our relationship and to making it more functional.

The councilor was sort of old hippie funky. At one point she indicated that she had been involved in a swingers’ lifestyle. I think that this put both Lindi and I at ease. This was not so much a sense that she may have some relevant life experiences – though that was also reassuring – but more so that she was willing to relate on a human level and not sit in the Freudian chair of superior, removed, sterile objectivity.

I was surprised at the degree to which both Lindi and I opened up. We immediately started talking about our intimacy and sex issues relating past experiences with complete openness. We had had a couple of sessions with another councilor many years ago in which those issues never came up. That is probably due to many factors including, style of councilor, our age, being out of town and who knows what else.

At the end of the session she asked if we had a presence on the web that would help her better understand us. I completely forgot about this blog. Several days later when I remembered, I asked Lindi if she minded if I shared it. Her initial reaction was, “sure”, until I reminded her that I had put simi-nude pictures of her on the blog. Then she said “maybe later.” My sense is that she will later be willing to share this.

So I started reading back over the blog. Lindi has far less to be embarrassed about than I do. The who thing of anonymity has allowed me to be surprisingly open and revealing. Embarrassing as that is it is not as embarrassing as the ramble written, unedited nature of this. Writing has always been a means of processing for me. I suspect that I would not like writing if I did it with the thought of someone reading it. Though now I guess that I am writing with that with at least the knowledge that someone may read parts of this.

I have always thought that I have ignored this blog, but reading back there is a lot of shit here. I use that profanity very intentionally. While there was a lot of value in the writing I find no value in the reading. I am reluctant to offer this up because it may create a sense of obligation. I have now sat down to read three times and I have not made it all the way through… and it is my shit. I would hate to inflict this level of tedium on anyone. I especially would not want to pay someone to read it.

I have been surprised how much I have stuck to the issue of intimacy and sexuality. Though that was the intent, I am seldom able to keep politics and other distractions out of any writing that I do.

I am also surprised how much of a pervert that I have been. Not that I think poorly of perversion. Nonetheless, it surprises me to think how often I focused on the purely physical. Though, even when I wrote long tedious short stories they managed to weave a lot of my head trash into the lust of the story. I’m surprised how much I focused on the whole cuckold thing. I do not so much think of myself in that role but I do recognize it as an aspect of my fetish even if of a different flavor than most. I think that I am as taken with the idea of a fetish as I am with the fetish itself. This is a fetish built of a fear of rejection mixed with a life relationship well soaked in rejection. I am totally fascinated with the whole process of psychological environment turned into personality projection. I love the intensity of passion that this creates. I feel sorry for those who do not have the scaring to give them this intensity of feeling. I crave nothing so much as to plug this electricity into another’s equal power source. Most especially I want to find Lindi’s power source. Or perhaps more accurately I want her to find it and to share it with me... and others.

I suspect that I could have been content with a totally monogamous relationship if I had engaged with a woman who had access to her own lust and an ability to share it with me. But now I suspect that even if Lindi found that, I would be content with sexual experiences limited to just she and I. The desire of fetish is just to strong to dissolve into traditional contentment.

Because this desire to share Lindi is so grounded in my experiences and it is so intense, I do not trust my ability to see this from a perspective different than my own. Nonetheless, I remain hopeful that she can access a door to her own lust and that that behind that door are other men and me. I know that she is more sexually responsive when engaged with a new lover despite an anxiety response. If she can deal with the anxiety response that has more to do with providing access to her inner self than it does a fear of others. In fact the person she is most fearful of giving access to is herself.

She has a switch that once thrown she easily becomes excited and responsive with another man. But with herself she can only be mechanical. Masturbation and orgasm are a stress relievers created by a machine with no mental connection whatsoever.

I have always also been interested in the BDSM community of the reasons stated above but that has been a far more objective interest. That too is sort of interesting because I view my own fetish as someone what of a similar experience in that it is the product of psychological damage. Also there is a great deal in the range of cockolds that I find no connection to. Most notably this is the whole feminization thing. Not really into the denial of sexual gratification thing either. But these are major components for many who find themselves under this label.

I would enjoy things like spanking and power play with Lindi. There are components of these things in my fetish but I do not see my fetish as that of BDSM. I enjoy pictures and stories of women engaged with men other than their husband, especially if the husband is present. I do not seek out the tied up and spanked BDSM stuff.

Back

2010-03-07T12:14:00.000-08:00

Well, here I am back again, wanting more social networking that connects to the shadowy places of our desires, the places that makes us so uniquely ourselves. I have not been in a writing mood lately. My wife has been busier than usual as she is finishing a masters degree. Needless to say intimacy has been at an all time low. As she seems especially uninterested in expanding her sexual horizons, I have thought lately about switching my ambitions from bringing a man to her to finding a couple for myself. I once had a long relationship with another couple in which the husband was particularly aroused by his wife and I playing together. both erotically and emotionally, threesomes have a lot to offer. I will try to upload some pics from an adventure we enjoyed last summer to make this blog a bit more spicey. But mainly I would like to do more questioning of the nature of fantasy, fetish and their relationship to relationship.

It seems to me that fantasy is a nice image that you can return to as you please. Whereas fetish is a picture that you cannot rid yourself of. It comes form psychological damage and is a gift in dealing with that damage.

Summer fun

2009-09-12T15:33:00.000-07:00

She spent some quality time with an old friend this summer. I got to take the pictures.

2009-06-11T09:12:00.000-07:00

The Institute of Expanded Intimacy

Axioms
Human evolution is distinctive in that it is not marked only by biological transformation but also social transformation. The very nature of which has redirected the course of biological transformation.

Moving from a biologically based evolutionary process to one that is socially based imposes a higher order of freewill and responsibility on the species in directing its own evolution. Freewill is bounded by the same imperative as any other evolutionary process, namely survival.
There is an emerging paradigm shift that will recognize and develop this unique aspect of what it is to be human.

To this point in our transformation we have become seduced by our powers to control and manipulate the quantifiable aspects of the world. While this seduction was made possible by our desire for creativity, it has pushed us down the path of materialism, which, ironically, has left us isolated and less creative.

On this path of materialism we have learned to objectify people at the exclusion of their more uniquely human nature.

This objectification has isolated us from each other and even from ourselves.
Socialization is about relationships, which are inherently unquantifiable. As such we have failed to understand or adequately develop this most human potential.

Our attempts to understand, nurture and heal relationships have come, once again with irony, from an attempt to be objective, isolated and removed (i.e. the “science” of psychology.) These are anti-relationship perspectives. One aspect of the paradigm shift is to develop nonobjective models for understanding that is more holistic and integrated than the academic, scientific model will allow. Foreshadowing of this shift might exist in the more proximal conclusions being drawn from new understandings of chaos and ideas in particle physics but also from literature. Expanding our ability to assimilate information in a more complete context will require something more like metaphor than physics.

Relationships are not well understood in the linear restricted variables of scientific investigation. They are better understood in the textured blendings of art, music and metaphor.
Connecting to the human soul, which has been isolated and perhaps atrophied, requires recognition of the limitations of materialism and an appreciation of relationship and transformation. The arts, to this point, have been an embellishment of materialism more so than an articulation of transformation. At least this is so on the part of those who view art objectively apart from themselves rather than as a process that they are a part of.

Art also provides a conduit to the souls abstractions.

An aspect of a paradigm shift is likely to be an ability to make art a process in people’s lives and a mechanism for communication on a more visceral basis.

Relationship, like art, from the objective perspective of analysis is out of context and non-participatory.

The most profound connection that also provides, at least with the possibility of transcendence, is sexuality. This base biological need also contains the conduit to the most sophisticated aspects of human potential.

Sexuality is the mechanism that runs on love. Love is the energy that connects people.

Fear and insecurity have limited our understanding of, and access to, this most profound element of humanity.

Culturally sanctioned sexuality has, to this point, been locked behind the secure and secretive doors of matrimony, in rooms with the curtains pulled tight. It continues to be looked at from the perspective of a means of procreation more sop than a means of transformation. Sex can be the strongest bonding agent between people. We are hardwired to connect sexually. This hardwiring goes beyond the drive to mate. It includes such sophisticated psychological mechanisms as long periods of enhanced tolerance and empathy as relationships begin. Human empathy is affected by sex, yet we fail to see or value this element of sexuality. The lexicon with which we speak about sexuality is far more limited than the potential contained there. We cannot conceive of expanded intimacy in the range of sexuality because we look at sex only in the range of coital procreation. We can ritualize love and sexuality in a wider range of its vast human potential. Just as sexuality can bring two people together it can be a bonding element in community as well.

Sexuality provides a window to the essential fears and fantasies that direct us. Why do we do dream analysis and fail to do fantasy analysis?

The institute of expanded intimacy seeks to:

Increase access to the process of art for a wider range of people.

Encourage art as language, especially in articulating relationship.
Explore the function of art as a conduit to the soul and a pathway of transformation, as it applies both to the individual soul and to the collective soul.

To encourage a value in art as lifestyle and lifestyle as art. This is a radical difference from art being the stuff that you hang on a wall and occasionally go to a museum or music venue to experience.

Expand the sophistication with which love and sexuality are viewed.
View love and sexuality as a conduit to connect people individually and in community
Explore love and sexuality as a social bonding agent.
Perceive the world with the understanding that our salvation is dependant on a paradigm shift that results in more a more sophisticated sense of empathy within and beyond our species.

Aiport Bar

2009-06-11T09:07:00.000-07:00

Old story

When we fly together we usually drink a bit and enjoy each other’s company quite a lot, and she is usually dressed the way that I like. Once in an airport, on an extended layover, we sat at the bar and got to chatting with a fellow that I could tell she was taking a liking to. Through the first drink we were just chatting with no thought of anything more than the conversation. With the second drink I could tell that my wife was becoming somewhat flirtatious – something that she does not do easily. With the third drink I put my hand on her thigh. She had on a rather conservative looking knee length wrap around skirt. She was also wearing a blazer with a very sheer camisole under it. To this point the blazer was buttoned and though the camisole could be seen, it was rather more professional than sexy looking. About halfway through the third drink (and it should be noted that usually my wife stops at one drink, with a pretty good buzz, as she only weighs 110 lb) I decided to try to work the top flap of my wife’s skirt off of her knee, which would have exposed her thigh on his side. Normally such a move on my part would have resulted in my wife removing my hand from her leg. But in this airport far from home with her inebriated and flirting with a good looking man who was also a good conversationalist paying the sort of attention that makes a woman feel good, my wife gave no resistance. My maneuver worked much better than I had expected, as the flap of the skirt slid, not just off of her knee, but most of the way down her thigh. My wife’s very shapely legs (the woman runs 4 miles a day) came starkly into view as if her skirt had been a Broadway curtain. I think we were all a bit shocked but my wife, adding to my shock, made no move to adjust the scene. Although, extremely turned on by this, I was also a little self-conscious. My wife was seated between the two of us and we each had our bar stool canted toward her. She really was center stage and, much to my surprise and enjoyment, she was taking a good deal of pleasure from her leading role. Looking down the bar I noticed that we had caught the attention of an elderly man sitting alone. I was pretty certain that his view of my wife’s exposed legs was at least partially blocked, but the attention he was paying made me also doubt that. By the end of our third drink our new friend and I were not trying to hide our gaze at my wife’s slender legs crossed so ladylike but exposed nearly to her panties that I knew to be gossamer thin and sheer. By this time too, my hand had returned to her leg. As my hand began to slide slowly up her leg my wife gave me a you-naughty-boy-look, but made no attempt to remove it. Long before I got to the perilous edge of her shirt she stood up to go to the restroom. In her absence, the fellow, also feeling the affects of, I did not know how many drinks, as he was at the bar before we arrived, was more than a little complementary of my wife’s beauty and her incredible legs. This of course is the sort of thing that really added to my already aroused state and I confessed to him that she was not always so bold but that I was really enjoying it. He pointed out that perhaps I had grown familiar with her beauty and so the treat for him was all the more rare and special. If this guy’s intention was to gain liberty with my wife, he certainly had the right script. As she was returning, he hurriedly asked if I though she would mind if he put his hand on her leg. Not wanting her to hear what we were talking about, I shrugged my response. I noted that he had not asked me if I would allow it. I assumed that he had correctly gathered from our short private conversation that I would be thrilled with it.

I was now less a part of the conversation as they chatted, which was probably just as well, because I’m not sure that I could have been coherent in my aroused state. As he spoke to her he was reaching out and occasionally touching her arm that rested on the bar. She made no move to discourage this. At some point I interjected something into the conversation and my wife turned to me with the most loving and aroused smile. She put her hand on my leg. There was a lot of subtle communication in this gesture. The look of love on her face definitely included a huge amount of arousal, through it was the unmistakable message that her love for me, though contained in this heightened state of arousal, was much more encompassing than that alone. She communicated gratitude for this indulgence, and a desire to continue this erotic dance with another partner, but to also stay connected in the moment to me. Implicit was my wife’s tacit and tactile consent for us to touch. As she turned back to flirt with her friend, she pulled my hand to her leg. My wife is much more capable of drawn-out tension and subtle communication than am I. Within a few minutes of my hand being placed on her leg it had slid to where her skirt flared. And again she gave me the naughty boy look, at which time her friend took the opportunity to further his own agenda by saying, “you can’t blame the man, and besides I am thoroughly enjoying what I see.” With that she gave him a coy sideways grin, and my hand slid over her hip to the side of her bottom, fully exposing her panties to this stranger. Again she gave a bit of a protest but made no move to cover herself.

The bartender, had become much more attentive, even though he could not see her skirt below the bar. This may have been because she returned from the restroom with her blazer connected by only one button. Her attire, though still professional, looked more like that of a woman who is willing to use any means to succeed, for now it was apparent that her camisole was sheer and it could be guessed that she was not wearing a bra.

I tried to uncross her legs but they were locked with the force of the moment’s anxiety. I was disappointed because I knew that her sheer panties were likely becoming wet. Not one to be easily defeated in matters of such extreme passion, I began to move up hill, under her blazer to her pert breast. This of course seemed to draw our circle of admirers even closer.

Her excitement was becoming more evident as the conversation was slow and forced. When our friend moved his hand to her knee, she gave a start and her eyes got big. She recovered by lifting her hand to order another drink, but she did not discourage what was happening.

He began to slowly caress her knee and she drew deeply on her new drink for the medication it would provide to her anxiety. As his hand moved slowly up her thigh she looked to me for permission and strength. I gave her an affectionate squeeze and smiled broadly at her. With this I slid back in my bar stool to enjoy the show. Though unintentional, my manipulation under her blazer had loosened its last button, and it slid open revealing her supple breast in all their glory beneath the sheer fabric of the camisole. Though she had been significantly naked below the bar to her friend, perhaps the old fellow and to me, she was now more publicly exposed, as the camisole did little to obscure her beautiful breast.

Now it seemed that she had the attention of the other half dozen people sitting around the horseshoe bar, who were trying to obsequiously gather what was happening. I could tell that the blazer coming open had made my wife much more uncomfortable, and I was sorry that it had happened. But it also seemed that her attention was most directly on the hand that was caressing her leg and not on the eyes that were watching her.

His ascent up my wife’s leg was slow and purposeful. As he neared the confluence of her beautiful legs she sighed and moved her hips slightly forward. The legs that had been clenched to my touch, now fell open revealing her soft patch of desire. And again she moved to meet his touch.

Soon her panties were in a small, soggy wad pushed to the side as he made skin-to-skin contact with her well-trimmed mound. She was losing the battle to stifle her whimpers. When he reached with his other hand to touch her breasts, she convulsed and moaned rather loudly.

There was no longer any conversations at the bar as all eyes were intently on my wife. The bartender had actually moved a couple of steps back, for fear of implication in this indecent display. My wife continued to writhe under his manipulations until, with his thumb on her clit, he pushed his finger inside of her. She usually responds much more to clitoral stimulation than to penetration. But with the penetration of this stranger’s finger, she erupted with a seismic orgasm. Gasping loudly she rolled back and lifted her hips and pushed them to the bar, to give this lover better access.

At that point I would have been happy for this man to put my wife on the bar and completely have his way with her. I’m pretty sure that she would not have stopped him. What did stop us was the last boarding call for our flight. As my wife straightened herself on obviously wobbly legs, I reach to pay the tab. He waved me off and said that buying our drinks was the least he could do. I hurriedly shook his hand still wet with my wife’s nectar and thanked him. My wife shocked me again by placing her hands on his face and kissing him deeply. She then turned and exited without saying a word.

Luckily our gate was right across from the bar. They closed the doors behind us as we boarded. We were too much in shock to say much other than “did that really just happen?” As is usually the case when she drinks, my wife was soon sound asleep. And I was left to ponder this strange event alone.

We did not speak about it for three weeks after that. When we did finally broach the subject, we had each processed it enough to have a lot to say. We knew the man’s first name, what city he lived in and where he worked, which would have been enough to easily track him down. But somehow it did not seem right. Nor did he make an effort to contact us.

Nonetheless, he and the experience had a profound affect on our lives. For about three years he was the center of our rich fantasy life. He was my wife’s lover, who knew exactly what she wanted and how to please her. Through him I learned how to better please her. The experience also gave us a strong since of our own ability to go outside the box of convention to seek what pleases us, not just sexually but in all aspects of our lives. Because we had this experience, we have also had many great adventures that probably would not have occurred to us if we had not learned to abandon convention at times. This is not to say that we have become wild bohemians. We continue to be rather conventional professionals, with two kids and nice neighbors. We are also people who are not afraid to reach for life’s gusto with both hands.

Silky Seconds

2009-06-08T10:26:00.001-07:00

I was surprised to learn that I like silky seconds. An old friend, lets call him Matt, was in town one night many years ago. As the wine flowed, I was shocked that my normally conservative and demure wife was flirting with him. I was also surprised to be turned on by this. So I encouraged it and kept pouring the wine. As I placed my hand on her leg and began working her dress up, there was no resistance until I had made very good progress. . A furtive slap with no effort to move my hand away let me know that we were in previously uncharted waters. She and I were on a couch and Matt was sitting across from us in an over stuffed chair. My wife and I had been married very young and she had no experience with other men. While I always encouraged her to dress in sexy cloths, I doubt that another man had ever seen her naked.

Our friend was very interested and sought to reassure her by saying how beautiful she was. This was no stretch; she was glowing and incredibly beautiful. As horny as I was, I wanted to play this out a bit. I stopped pulling her dress up. She must have thought that I was unhappy with what was happening because, when I stopped, she became quiet. I could see a mixture of concern, guilt and pouting. What a wonderful emotional cocktail.

After a few minutes, I reached out and fondled her breast through her sexy dress. This elicited a shocked and confused look from her, which was met with a wicked grin from me that I'm sure she could not fully analyze. This was great fun.

When I continued to fondle her breast she said "stop" in a rather annoyed tone of voice.

"Really?" I said, "because I'm pretty sure that you are enjoying this."

Frustrated and confused she said, "I've had too much wine."

"It seems to me that you have finally had enough wine. You’re feeling a little saucy."

"What I am concerned about is how we will feel in the morning," she said.

"A little hangover is a small price to pay for a new adventure."

"What makes you think that I want to be a part of your adventure?"

"I think that the adventure is more yours."

"It is not me who is fondling you."

"Right, but it is you who is enjoying a new level of inhibition and titillation."

"Oh, you are so easy. I can titillate you any time."

"Yes, what is new here is the degree to which you are being turned on.”

Lifting her dress was revealing her in ways that were new to her, but this conversation was touching her inner sanctum in ways that she was not prepared for. "I'm going to bed" she demanded as she stood up to leave.

"Please don't,” Matt pleaded. I'll make him stop.

"That's the problem" I said, "she doesn't want me to stop."

"You seem to think you have me figured out. What about you. Do you want to undress me in front of your friend? Do you want him to see your wife naked? Won't you be jealous?"

"Yes, I think that I will be a little jealous. That is a big part of the thrill that I am feeling."

"Well those are feelings that I don't want to face in the morning." She overly emphatically insisted.

"Okay, you can stay and I will keep my hands to myself" I said.
She looked at me as if to scold me and sat back down. In fact she sat down in such a way that allowed her dress to ride up just enough for me to know that she was not at all convinced that she wanted this to stop.

Matt was visiting because he and his wife had just separated and were soon to divorce. We had spent much of the evening letting him unload about a marriage of unrecognizable needs; hers for status and security and his for intimacy and love. Of course we knew when they had married while we were all in college that this would be the eventual sad outcome.

Wanting to keep the topic sexy, I asked Matt if he would have liked such an adventure with his wife when they were together.

He said that he was not sure. She liked to dress in expensive clothing that often bordered on being quite sexy (she was a knockout.) He said that she liked to flirt but that he doubted that she would have ever crossed the line. "Not that I think that is a bad line." he quickly added, reassuring us that he was ready for anything that we might dish out.

My wife used this opportunity to test the morality waters. "She never would have done anything to betray your trust."

"Whose trust has been betrayed?" I asked. "Are you betraying my trust if I lift your dress to let Matt have a peak of your sexy panties and to give you a cheap thrill."

"Maybe I don't want to be cheap."

"Honey you are not cheap" I said, "the thrill is" and I put my hand on her mostly bare leg as I leaned over to kiss her. As I caressed her leg and went to remove my hand, she put her hand on mine, keeping it on her leg.

Now as the conversation continued I allowed my hand to caress and very so slowly work her dress up.

I got up to pour more wind and immediately set my hand back to its task. Within about 15 minutes of good conversation, disrupted by the excitement we were all feeling, I had her dress pulled way up.

"I should not let myself get this drunk" my wife said.

“I think that you should do it more often” I said and I leaned n to kiss her, pulling my hand that was on her leg across her body and pulling her hem with it, allowing it to fully reveal her little sheer panties.

She slightly brushed my hand giggling saying, "you did that on purpose." Her dress fell back only barely covering her panties.

"I did" I said, "you are just too irresistible." And I meant it.

"Thank you" Matt said smiling from ear to ear. And not hiding the fact that he was enjoying the view.

"You are just showing off" she told me. "You are intentionally teasing poor Matt"

"You are right. How rude of me. Why don't you go sit on Matt's lap, I'm happy to share with an old friend."

She looked at me with shocked eyes and said, "yeah, right!"

Matt said that he did not mind being teased and that he was really enjoying it. He admitted that he had always found my wife to be a beautiful woman, at which she blushed.
Through this exchange my hand had worked her dress back up so that she was sitting there with her panties in full view.

After a short awkward silence, she looked down at her exposed legs and asked if I was having fun.

"Yes, in fact I am" I said, as I slowly drew my finder tips across her prominent clit. [a photo of her in panties much like the ones she wore that night can be seen by friends in our photo stream.] Though she would have liked to have pretended like she was doing this only for our pleasure, the catch in her breath as I did this made it clear that she was very excited.
I leaned in and kissed her again and she returned the kiss with a good deal of passion.

Matt was on the edge of his seat and I massaged her clit with my thumb as I kissed her. She tried to push me away but as she did she was also pushing her pussy to meet my hand, revealing her true emotions. I did not let her push me away. I kissed her hard, which is something that turns her on once she is excited enough. She was definitely excited enough. She hit me hard in the back as she shoved her tongue into my mouth.

I reached up and slid the strap of her dress off of her shoulder. This was a spaghetti strap summer dress under which she wore no bra. She moaned no into my mouth as she swung her leg over my lap so that she was sitting on my lap facing me. Perhaps she did not want Matt to see her perfect little tits (as can be seen in our photo stream) I lifted her dress up, but it was tied in the middle so it would not go past her waist. I pulled the tie and she broke our kiss and looked into my eyes with intensity. She said, "This is a bad idea." But it was a statement, not a suggestion that we should stop. With the tie loose, I lifted the dress and she lifted her arms to allow it to go over her head. I knew that her embarrassment at being naked in front of our fried was adding to her excitement but that I could not push this too far too fast. We continued to kiss passionately and she was grinding into my very erect but fully covered cock.

After several minuets I quietly motioned Matt to the couch. When he sat down, she murmured "uhh uhh" into my mouth, but she was too far gone to stop.

Matt sat there right next to us watching but not touching. She clung to me both in excitement and fear. I wanted her to be completely naked In front of us while we were fully dressed. Only her panties remained...and her high heels, which could stay. I tried pushing at her panties but she continued to cling to me and there was no way that they were coming off in this position.

I knew that I needed to get her to let go of me. I reached over and grabbed Matt's hand and placed it on her nearly bare bottom. Her grip around my neck tightened and she gasped "Oh my god, no!!!" as she moved back to greet is touch. I tried to slide out from under her but she continued to cling in fear. She was now being fondled by both of us. Matt had reached up to place a hand on her small breast and she arched out from me to give him access.

This was not the wife that I had known up to this point. If anyone had told me, prior to this that it was in her to act like this, I would have laughed.

I slid my hand down her back, over her bottom and to her pussy, which had drenched her panties. Rubbing her swollen lips made her writhe. She slid one leg so that she was straddling only on of my legs, which allowed her to rock against my leg. When she slid back to my knee and pushed her clit against it she had a screaming orgasm. This embarrassed her and made her stop to catch her breath and look at me with imploring eyes, as if to say “would you please stop this because I cannot.”

I stroked her back and told her that I had never seen her more beautiful or been more excited in my life. “This is not a good idea” she said.

“Oh I think that it is a wonderful idea. I never knew what a pleasure it could be to share your intimacy with a close friend.”

“Yeah, but you are not going to feel like that in the morning.”

“I’m not sure about that” I said, “I am feeling very close to both you and Matt right now, I don’t think that I am going to resent that, and I hope that you won’t”

She snuggled into my chest. As she did her feet came up on the couch and into Matt’s lap.
He had good instincts and allowed the moment to continue reassuringly caressing her legs and resisting her beautiful ass.

We were quiet for several minutes, both of us lightly caressing her. She later said that her feeling of shame and guilt were washed away with a sense of love and acceptance during this time. As I sensed that she was regaining her composure, I let my caressing go from her shoulders and upper back to the small of her back. While I wanted to get back to a more erotic space, I would have been content to let it end there if she did not want more. If we were going to go forward, I wanted to bring this sense of connection, love and camaraderie with us.

As I slipped my hand over her bottom she cooed into my chest. I continued to gently caress her letting her tacitly decide what would be next. After a few minutes of this she slowly and ever so slightly moved against my leg.

Now as I slid her panties down she did not resist or seem fearful. As I could only slide them just below her cheeks, Matt had to lower them the rest of the way. He leaned over and kissed her bare bottom eliciting a happy lazy moan from her.

I moved over on the couch allowing her to roll on to her back and to more fully stretch between us, exposing herself fully to Matt’s gaze. Matt began gently touching her pussy lips. She was now very relaxed and smiling as if she were on drugs. As he worked she continued to open her legs more and more. I felt as though I had gone to some tantric heaven, watching my wife respond to the pleasuring of my friend. This was the opposite of jealousy. It was an ecstasy created by shared love.

As she began aggressively moving against his hand, he leaned down and caressed her clit with his tongue and she exploded. This was only the second time that I had seen her have two orgasms in the same night. But rather than stopping as she usually did after an orgasm she stretched back and continued to offer her quim to him.

As she began to get wound back up I was shocked that she raised up and took him into her arms and kissed him deeply. I was now just a spectator as my wife left me to wantonly engage my friend. I knew that I was feeling jealousy but it was subdued by a complete sense of being erotically consumed.

My wife and my friend rose up on their knees on the couch, entangled and kissing passionately. I thought that I would come as I saw his hand slide around her bottom and she moving to give his fingers access to my marital sanctuary.

She pushed him back and began pulling at his shirt. Too excited to master the buttons, he had to do it himself as she fondled him through his pants and gazed at him as if she were dying of thirst and he were water. I’m quite sure that she had never been this excited with me, so why was I so excited to be witnessing this?

Before he had his shirt off she was tugging at his belt buckle. Again she was too confused and excited to make much progress, but he was right behind her quickly removing his pants and his underwear revealing a very erect cock. His cock was nicely veined and a good deal larger than mine.

My wife stared in appreciation of his manly stature. She wrapped both of her hands around it and stroked it as if it were a prized possession and gazed into his eyes with love and lust. At this point I figured that she must have had feelings for him even before this. The pang of jealousy that I felt in this realization was not so much that she had these feeling but that she had not shared them with me.

She reached up and wrapped an arm around his neck pulling him to her and kissing him, while she used her other hand to push his manhood against he pussy. It was at this point that I realized that he did not have a condom on. I had never dreamed that it would go this far. I knew that I should say something but I was too turned on by the situation and the idea of what was about to happen to say anything. I knew that he had been faithful to his wife and I suspected that she had been faithful to him. This was all that I needed to justify what I wanted t see happen.

But she pushed him back and said, “do you have a condom?” I could not imagine my wife being so forward and blatant about another man fucking her. Before he could answer she had leaned over and started to suck on the head of his cock. In all of our time together she had only sucked my cock three times and never was it with out encouragement or with nearly so much desire on her part.

I thought that I might pass out from the mix of emotions that I was feeling. As she had bent over to suck his cock her ass had been thrust my way. I could not resist, I bent down kissing her bottom and working my way to her lush pussy. While she moved against me in obvious pleasure, I was not the object of her desire. No sooner had my tongue reached its target than she straightened up and placed herself on his glistening cock. I watch from behind as my wife wrapped her little hand around this strong cock and guided it to what, until now, had been my private domain. I was paralyzed with jealousy, love and erotic exhilaration as I watched him part her and then spread her as she had never been spread before. She just kept repeating “Oh My God” over and over in a primal mantra of passion. Soon she had engulfed all of him and her dainty vaginal lips were stretched around this piston that started very slowly and continued to pick up steam. Soon they were meeting each others thrusts with a violent collision. She had stopped evoking the divine and was just grunting and screaming in chorus with him. They were in a place that she and I had never been and I was breathless watching. My clothes were still on and I was afraid that the act of removing them might cause me to miss even a glimpse of this incredible sight or cause me to cum.

I was impressed that he had not cum yet. And then I was totally shocked again as she had an orgasm. She had never had an orgasm with me from just thrusting. Her orgasm triggered his. It was like two galaxies colliding as they erupted together. I could now smell their combined sex. I could see cum coating his cock and splashing up on her lips. They were wrapped in each others arms and they collapsed onto the couch. As she came down she stroked his face and kissed him gently. With her eyes shut and head thrown back in submission of such an intense after glow he kissed her gently. Still breathing hard she whispered, “I love you, Matt.”
My heart sank and my erection began to subside as I settled back into the couch in complete disbelief, humiliation and heart break. Why had I allowed this to happen? But wasn’t it best to know the truth. I was sick with these thoughts as I felt her hand on my own face. I looked up to see her consumed in a smile. “I love you now more than I ever knew that I could love anybody,” she said. I had started this adventure messing with her head - challenging her emotions, and now she had me completely confused.

“Would you please make love to me,” she said.

“I don’t know if I can do that I said.”

“Please, I want you inside me so much”

I hesitated both because of my confused emotional state and because of the though of sloppy seconds. As she pleaded, she kissed me and I had a sense that I tasted him on her, which aroused me even more. If I could be aroused by that then perhaps I could deal with sloppy seconds. The answer came not from my rational mind but from my aching penis, I was hard as steel.

As she slid on top of me I could feel his seed sliding down my shaft. He had opened her in such a way that she was not tight like she normally was. Her pussy was loose and wet and warm and its contents were falling and dripping down my balls. She felt silky. She wrapped herself around me and said “I’m not sure what just happened but it made me love you like I have never loved you before. You are the most incredible man, I don’t ever want to stop making love to you.” As their combined juices ran down my ass I exploded into the love of my life. In that moment of holy rapture I understood that love and eroticism can have a multiplier effect that takes transcendence to a new level.Matt stayed another two days and we made love about five times in that period. My wife and I made love every day for many months after that reliving the experience and talking about what it meant to both of us. She had never realized that she had feelings for him before that night. She said that the feelings she had had for him were tied up in how much I appreciated him as a friend. He visited a few times over the next couple of years and each time we had grown a little further from him and the love making was less intense each time. He eventually remarried and we have only seen him once in the last ten years. But my wife and I revisit that time of extreme passion frequently.

Dreams

2008-08-28T11:47:00.001-07:00

I love dreams. I have always had a very active and vivid dream life. My dreams are often a window to my inner self. That has certainly been the case this week. Last weekend I, again, came to the conclusion that no matter how much I love my wife, the relationship will not work. I have such a hard time letting go. My wife is a part of me. I have been with her most of my life. I do not think about, fantasize about or really desire other women. My head is constantly full of thoughts, desires and images of my wife. So the thought of ending this relationship is traumatic. I realize that I am not the first person to have gone through this, but it seems no less catastrophic because of that.

Naturally this has invaded my dream life. My wife has always been in a large percentage of my dreams and my dreams are usually erotic in nature. Or at least those are the ones that I remember. This week I have not been sleeping well and having several dreams a night. Interestingly I am not very present in these dreams. In most of them I am an unobserved observer. They have been quite erotic and along a wide spectrum on a continuum of my wife being engaged with other men. This has, for a long time, been my most vivid and exciting fantasy. While it is not unusual for the fantasy to invade my dreams it is of a different nature now. While these dreams still seem to be very erotic they also tend to evoke a good deal of sadness.

One of the first dreams I had this week, she was only partially in view. She was being fucked from behind but the person fucking her was obscured by a wall. She had on a necklace and I could just barely see an orange skirt bunched up around her waist. I could see her bra on the floor. The clothing created a strong sense of sadness because they indicated that she had been out for the kind of evening that she likes. It also made me sad that these were cloths that I did not recognize. She was obviously enjoying what was being done to her. Her eyes were shut and she was biting her bottom lip. She was beautiful. I never saw the man.

Last night she appeared in a very sheer green floral print blouse with a rounded yoke. The double material where the yoke hung over the blouse was not sheer but the yoke did not come down far enough to completely cover her breasts, which were erotically exposed. Obviously this was a very enticing sight and I felt hopeful. She did not interact with me but seemed annoyed by my presence. She went into the bathroom and came out with a very different and even sheerer blouse. This one was white linen. It too had a yoke but it was rectangular. This was not at all sexy, only because under the blouse she had put on one of the tee shirts that she runs in. The linen shirt was so sheer that the small writing on the tee shirt could easily be read. It occurred to me that these shirts had been intended for another man, she had put the tee shirt on because I was there.

One of the results of these restless nights has been that I wake up touching her. Normally I sleep well separated on my side of the bed. This is not the first time that I have come this point in our relationship and the same thing has happened in the past. The reason that we keep getting to this point is because I am unwilling to leave my children and I cannot stop craving her intimacy. So, each time I convince myself that there is hope, despite a complete lack of any evidence to the contrary. I know that I should sleep in another room but the fact is that I go to sleep hoping that I will touch her in my sleep. Unfortunately, despite our estrangement, this contact is nothing more than an annoyance to her. It is, after all, this level of detachment that has always been the problem.

This blog would be much more interesting if I could get her to respond here, but again she is way too detached to be able to do that. Sitting at the computer reading about emotions would be her definition of torture. The only thing that could be more grueling than that would be to have to reply. Several days ago I told her about the old story that I had posted that was basically a fantasy about her. She perfunctorily said, “I will read it tomorrow, when I’m not so tiered.” I had not told her about the story because I expected her to read it. But nonetheless this is exactly in the oh so repetitive pattern of things that drives me nuts. She said that she would do something that she knew full well that she would not, just to try to stop the conversation. I left the blog up on the lap top in bed for her the next couple of nights so that she could read it if she wanted to. Of course she did not. In my opinion this completely lacks integrity. Though I am the most frequent recipient of avoidance, I am not the only one. She does it to her mother all the time and even to her children on occasion, though they don’t let her get away with it. Few other people get close enough to warrant this level of avoidance. I may see if I can get some level of response out of her. In my life I have written hundreds, probably thousands, of pages pleading with her to connect emotionally and erotically to our relationship. The response has been very scarce.

2008-08-26T10:33:00.000-07:00

Okay, I have to avoid obsessing on the pity party of my failed relationship. But I do want to let it provide some direction for this investigation into the impact of libido on relationship. I suspect that my wife's fear of intimacy went beyond just being an issue of low libido. Low libido creates a lack of desire but not necessarily fear or anxiety. But lets look at the other end of the spectrum for just a bit. I have been hanging out at a swingers site lately. I love the idea of free and open sexuality, but I have found that my ideas along these lines are different than most swingers. For swingers this seems not to be a decision based on ideas of freedom; It seems to be a drive. Often swingers have very conservative ideas about many aspects of personal and social freedom, but they do a great job of justifying sexual abandonment within the boundaries of the swinger's lifestyle. Specifically swingers are a high libido couple. It seems that there are lots of men who have libidos large enough to motivate them to abandon normal cultural conventions about open sexuality. Women seem to be the limiting factor here. In a recent study 33% of women reported being low libido. I'm not sure what percentage of women have high enough libidos to encourage them into a swinger's lifestyle but I think that those who do have that kind of libido end up going there.

While I would love to have had plurality in my marriage, I think that this was driven by ideology and not libido, which has a very different cognitive make up. Then again, I suspect that if my wife had had a high libido that I would have blended in just fine.

Another interesting aspect of the swinger lifestyle is that a preponderance of women who are bisexual. But very few swinger men report being bisexual. My guess is that if you could get men to report honestly that a higher % would qualify as bi. I base this on the fact that at this swinger's site there are separate groups that you can belong to. The majority of the men in the "couples with Bi men" group do not list themselves as bi. Across the board a very high percentage of swinger women report being bi. some time soon I will do a random sample of 20 women from this site and see howm many report being bisexual.

Again I think that this has a lot to do with libido. I have always be significantly hetero to the degree that I don't look at men sexually, I don't have sexual dreams about men, I can use thoughts of naked men as a means of ridding myself of an inappropriate hard on (not that I think that hard ons should ever be inappropriate.) But early in life I decided that I loved being attracted to women and wouldn't it be great if I could be attracted to men in that same way. In fact, I reasoned, it would be twice as good. So I was always open to the idea of being bisexual but could never really figure out how to illicit those feelings and finally gave up on it. Then unexpectedly a friend and I were seduced by his wife who drove us to an extreme state of arousal, and when put in the situation I was able to suck his cock. Then several years later I had an MFM relationship with a woman and her husband. There was never anything more than incidental contact between the men in this relationship until one night when we were all very excited she asked me to go down on her while her husband was fucking her. Though at first more than a little reluctant, this experience ended up being one of the most erotic encounters of my life.

When the libido gets supercharged, new and surprising things become possible. Some people have libidos that supercharge easily and frequently, others are not quite so easily there. I know that I have been surprised by my own ability to expand sexual horizons in times of extreme excitment. My hope had always been to get my wife to these points in an effort to allow the doors to open for her. But she had such a phobia that she would fight with all of her might to avoid these circumstances. The few times that she was in those situations, it appeared that her demeanor would change, she would become engaged, responsive and even initiating. She would later deny having such feelings or responses. While she would admit that a lack of desire for kissing, being touched, oral sex and the rest of the range of sexual appetite was a problem, she would not take responsibility for addressing the problem. If she had admitted to being aroused at times, she would have had to bring attention to those feelings which is exactly what terrified her. By denying ever having sexual feelings she could blame everything on being a low libido that she had no control over.

Can someone overcome a low libido by finding ways of more frequently and easily arousing themselves? This is basically what the whole sensate approach is about. In my opinion this is an inadequate approach in that it is only likely to illicit a predictably low level of arousal. What is needed for transformation are extreme levels of arousal. This would require sexual behaviors that go further beyond sexual norms than are likely to be acceptable within the highly regimented and controlled field of psychology. In the annals of sexual anecdotes it is not uncommon to read about women who were low, or at least lower, libido who, after having an extreme sexual experience, usually with someone that they are not already accustomed to, and often in the range of things that are more perverse than normal straight sex, and there after had heightened sexual appetites. I am not prepared to suggest that this is anything more than male sexual fantasy but it seems possible to have merit as a means of true sexual transformation.

It seems that self confidence can play a role in this too. Women, regardless of looks or intelligence who have a high level of sexual self confidence tend to have higher libidos. This could be because they have more means of arousing their libidos. Through such means as flirting or exhibitionism some women can engage in a process that allows them to raise their level of excitement. My wife, in addition to being brought up with very sex negative values had a traumatic pubescent period that may have scared her sexual self confidence and resulted in circumventing these processes from developing. Interestingly she always showed signs of exhibitionism being a possibility for her. Sexy clothing was one of the few things that i could get her to engage in. It was more like something that she tolerated than something that she enjoyed herself. But given the range of things that she would not even tolerate and the ease with which she would wear very sheer clothing, I believe that this was a crack in the thick brick wall around her erotic nature. A couple of times that she was in situations in which she was with other men and clearly excited she was much more bold in her nakedness. Unfortunately she would never acknowledge the feelings. Though she could not deny the behaviors, as I was there she would remain silent when asked about them. That door was shut tight and locked.

Onward Through the Blog

2008-08-25T10:08:00.000-07:00

I hope to devote more time to this blog, though I’m not sure where that time will come from. Among other things I am interested in the impact of libido and sexuality on the mechanics of relationships. While I have always had this interest, it is heightened by the failing of my marriage. Though the anecdotal information from my marriage may drive some of this inquiry, one thing that I have become aware of is the wide range of experiences that all couples and partners have in this regard. Even within the narrowest of ranges, this is not a single variable. It is at least two variable, for we are talking about the intersection of at least two libidos. And of course libido is itself a complex of variables much more so than a single variable. So basically we are taking about chaos.

I realize that this approach is neither tantalizingly sexual nor academically objective. I am sliding into the void between those distant domains. Though spacious, this void is not likely to draw many readers. I will content myself with my own mental masturbation and the occasional visitor, who I hope will say hello.

I am also interested in many aspects of social arrangements. As attempts at intimacy in my marriage ends, the relationship does not. For one thing, I have no intention of leaving the home that my children live in until they are off to college. So I have another five years in which to live with my wife. Does this mean that I will not be able to embark on other relationships? It seems that this forced celibacy only serves to drive parents away from their children. If I were to become involved in another relationship this would be viewed as adultery. Open marriages are easier when they only involve secondary relationships, which are much easier to be kept covert. There are those who would suggest an abandonment of convention. But as much as I may disagree with many of societies silly rules, I am not willing to embrace the isolation of complete independence.

Because I deeply love my wife and crave her body and intimacy with her, trying to live in this situation is a turmoil of anxiety and frustration. Nonetheless, she does not share these components of a relationship, which is the reason for the divide. I can no longer convince myself that the door to intimacy and desire can be opened for her. From my perspective this is largely because she is unwilling to admit that it should be opened. She has a sort of intimacy Atticism that makes her afraid of, and numb to, adult intimacy. This intimacy Atticism is manifested in behaviors like displeasure in kissing, touching her even close to her clitoris brings her knees together, and she cannot talk about any level of feelings. When such topics are brought up she has a hard time providing even single syllable responses and immediately changes the subject. Discussions of fantasies and erotic desires are like science fiction to her. She just cannot relate to such things. Though she can have an orgasm with a vibrator, that skill came late in life and it happens very mechanically with not mental or imaginative connection. She seems to need to clear her head of such distractions before her body can respond to the impact of the vibrator.

Under the assumption that this wasthe result of conditioning from a sex negative catholic upbringing, I have tried everything to draw her out. While there have been times that my hopes have been raised, this was always false hope. It is gut-wrenching to give up on this relationship but, at this point, I have to admit that there are physical impediments to her ability to express or enjoy intimacy. Unfortunately there are also physical impediments to my ability to live without intimacy.

Sadly there are significant resentments that are unavoidable. For my part, I resent that she never took the responsibility to communicate to me that this would never be possible. But of course it is that exact inability to communicate on that level that is the source of the problem. But I cannot help but feel that she had to recognize that my anxiety and sadness were being fueled by false hopes that she was feeding.

Right now I am trying to figure out how to negotiate my feelings. For example last night she woke me up because I was lying snuggled up next to her. This is not something that I normally do, but I guess that my loneliness must have invaded my sleep consciousness. This is difficult because while I would totally rejoice if she had physical desire for me, even if only in her sleep, to her this was an annoyance.

After years of this level of rejection, I am ready to move on. Pathetically, despite my idealistic believe in expanded intimacy and plural love, I am basically a rather profound monogamist, at least to the extent that I fit snuggly into a primary relationship. All of my sexual fantasies and desires center on her. I crave nothing some much as to crave someone other than her.

Rough Draft of a story written a long time ago

2008-07-08T18:42:00.001-07:00

New Years is a time that my typically shy wife comes out of her shell a bit. This year’s dress was low cut so that when she leaned forward her sweet little nipples came into view. The dress was made of two very sheer layers that wrapped in opposite directions. It was a little short but the real affect was created when she was backlit and it became transparent. She, nor I, was aware how sheer it was when she agreed not to wear panties. I noticed fairly early on and it was pronounced and I made a point of keeping her in the shadows. I had noticed when she went to the bathroom and was returning that you could clearly see her most feminine nakedness.

As the night progressed, the alcohol flowed and her charms melted my heart, my lust soared. After I felt that her inhibitions were down enough I said, “you are lovely, and that dress is much sexier than I thought it would be.” She smiled sweetly and said “I’m glad you like it. Its all for you.” “ And every man’s rapt eye,” I replied. She assumed that it was simply the liquor having its way with me.

Though I was doing what I could to keep her in the shadows, men were starting to take notice and I was getting very turned on by the fact that she was so naked in such a crowed. Luckily we were away from our hometown and knew no one there. Actually she was getting to know quite a few men as there was a steady stream to ask her to dance. This is something that she will most frequently turn down, as she is so shy. But being out of town, in a party situation and slightly drunk, she was enjoying the attention. Also she and I were dancing together a good bit. Finally a good-looking but rather inebriated fellow told her that he had enjoyed looking at her pussy all night. She was shocked and asked him what he meant. He said “yea right, like you don’t know that your dress is as sheer as glass.” She immediately stopped dancing with him and came over to me very upset.

She told me what had happened and asked why I hadn’t told her. I said that I had mentioned that the dress was much sexier than we had thought. This, of course, made her mad, because even though I had said that, I knew full well that I had not adequately communicated the situation to her. To exacerbate the circumstances, men kept coming by to ask her to dance. She was getting increasingly direct in telling them “no”. She was almost in tears and said that she wanted to leave. It was only 11:00 on New Years Eve and I pleaded with her to stay.

I felt awful. I begged her forgiveness and explained that I had been caught up in the situation and the alcohol and convinced myself that this is what she wanted. This set her off and she shot at me “How could you think that this is what I wanted? Do you not know me? Have you failed to notice that I am a shy and rather conservative person?” I agreed, and said that I had selfishly convinced myself of what I wanted to believe. I really felt like a shmuck.

We sat for quite awhile with me apologizing and telling her how bad I felt. Finally her anger started to dissipate, but she was adamant that she would not get up from our table until it was time to leave and then she would wear my coat out. I told her that I understood. Through this time she – who seldom drinks – sucked a couple more drinks down and was becoming fairly drunk. She started telling me that she forgave me and loved me.

After a while I asked her very carefully if the situation had any erotic appeal to it for her. She smiled and gave me a naughty look and then said “that is not the issue.” I so love this sexy woman who can communicate with such neuance even when drunk.

One of the men she had danced with, in fact one of the only men she had agreed to dance with twice , was sitting at the table next to ours. He must have gotten a sense of what was going on, as she was now turning men down for dances and she and I were leaned in talking with rather stern looks on our face. After awhile he approached our table. Some time had gone by and men were starting to get the picture and had stopped approaching her. So as he approached I noticed her stiffen. But he did not approach her. He came up to me and offered his hand to shake and said “Hi my name is Tom. I enjoyed dancing with your beautiful wife. Mind if I join you for a drink?” I looked right at Lindi to see how she was taking this. To my surprise she did not seem to mind at all, so I invited Tom to sit with us.

Tom was also from out of town. His mother had died after a long illness about a month earlier and he and sister had agreed to get back together over the holidays when they would have more time to straighten things out. The stress of his mother’s long illness had also contributed to his recent divorce from a woman he had loved very much and been married to for 15 yers.

He was well dressed, good looking, and a good conversationalist. I could see why Lindi had agreed to dance with this fellow a couple of times. Tom engaged Lindi with a warm smile and I could tell that she was smitten. Eventually the conversation came around to the dancing and Lindi admitted with quite a blush that she had had no idea how sheer her dress was. Tom smiled and said that he had figured that was what had happened. He said that he understood her discomfort but that he also thought that she had every right to be proud of the how beautiful she looked and the impact she had on so many men. Again she blushed and said the embarassment far overshadowed the hope of any vanity. Tom went on to say what a shame it was because he had so enjoyed dancing with her and was hoping that maybe the opportunity might arise again. She Blushed and did not say anything. Tom said he hoped that maybe after midnight, when everyone was a little more drunk, she might agree to dance in a dark corner with him and then he quickly added, “that is if your husband doesn’t mind.” I said, “I don’t mind.” I was shocked when she said “we’ll see.”

I was even more shocked when a couple of minutes later she leaned in to speak to him and allowed her top to fall open enough for her beautiful breasts to be exposed. Though she was a little drunk, she was aware of what she was doing. The fact is that the only reason she would agree to wear a dress that would so easily reveal her breast is because she is so confident in he own awareness of her space and her ability to control it in all circumstances.

Tom did not miss the view and I’m guessing that he did not misunderstand its significance because he unavoidably lit up and leaned in to her, not to get a better look, which he very consciously avoided lingering over, but to accept her invitation to a closer more intimate conversation. At this point I was pretty much an outside observer to my wife's seduction by this very charming stranger. This was almost too much for my alcohol-drenched emotions. On the one hand, I was as sexually turned on as I had been in years. On the other hand, I was feeling more than a little threatened and what I think was jealousy – an emotion I had had very little experience with. Though I could hear their conversation, it was clearly in a tone that was just for the two of them. They were quickly talking about Lindi’s (and my!) favorite topic – literature. We had all read many of the same books, but I did not interject as they spoke animatedly about the books they love. Now they were leaned into to each other and she was making no effort to conceal her (my!) breasts. Tom was also making little effort to conceal his pleasure in looking upon my wife’s nakedness. And I sat in my corner consumed by a tornado of emotions. I knew that she too must have been experiencing a swirl of amplified and new emotions. This was more surrealistic than I could have imagined. Twenty minutes ago my sweet wife had been very angry with me for not having her feelings better in mind and for having violated her trust in me. Was this a deliberate effort to get back at me? Surely not, Lindi does not have a vindictive bone in her body. Yet, how well did I know this incredible woman? She, who is more shy and self-conscious than most I have known, was exposing her breast to this charming stranger.

They were laughing, leaned in so close they were almost touching and drinking in each other’s company while I sat witness to my wife’s seduction. This man was literally inches from my wife’s exposed breast in the company of hundreds. I imagined him growing intoxicated on her sweet feminine breath and the beauty of her exposed feminine form.

Their spell was broken by the announcement of the count down to the New Year. Lindi looked over at me and realized the position that she had put me in. She stood up and came over, put her arms around me and said, loudly and with more enthusiasm than she had in years “I love you darling.” At the strike of midnight she wrapped her arms around my neck and pulled me to her kissing me deeply. She must have also noticed my excitement for she pushed herself into my hardness and slipped her tongue into my mouth.

I felt relief and intense love as my wife surrendered to my passionate kiss. Then I felt one of her arms release from my neck and reach out to stop Tom who was headed back to his table to give us our privacy. While my eyes had been shut in surrender to the love of my wife, hers had been open monitoring her new paramour. And just as quickly my insecurity had returned.

Our kiss was broken and she looked up at me with that sweet smile that has always enslaved me. She asked if she could wish Tom a happy New Year. Somewhat unsuspectingly, I said, “of course.” With that she wrapped her arms around his neck, closed her eyes and surrendered to a long intense kiss. It was, in fact, more imphatic than the kiss she had given me.

Who was this woman? Was this or was this a harbinger of drastic changes to come in this new year?

I stood awkwardly for what seemed like an eternality, but in reality was probably less than a minute. Finally these new lovers unwrapped their tongues and released each other. When they did she literally stumbled. She said “Oh, I must have had a little too much to drink.” But it was clear that the intoxication that she was tripping over was not from the alcohol.

She stood looking up at the two of us and said “So, who is going to dance with me first.” I think that I was rendered speechless by shock but Tom, with a graciousness that I was beginning to resent said, “Well of course husband and wife should have the first dance of the year together.” She took my hand and led me to the dance floor, seemingly unconcerned about her dress.

I was numb with astonishment. I knew that she wanted to broach the subject but she was afraid of what my response might be. I think that perhaps she was also a little afraid of her own response too. So we danced in silence. After Auld Lang Syne was through playing I started back to the table, but she reached out for my hand and pulled me back for another dance. She said, “we better talk.”
I said, “I’m too surprised and confused to be able to talk”
“Talking is what we do when we are confused. It is how we help each other find clarity.”
“Perhaps, but I don’t feel very much like I’m part of the conversation right now.”
“I don’t blame you Darling. I don’t know what is happening, but I know, among other things, by your hardness, that you are also excited by what is happening.”
I replied, “As confused as I am about my own emotions, I’m even more confused about yours.”
“Me too.” She confessed. “We have mixed a surprisingly new and different potion tonight. I’m not sure what all of the ingredients are but I know that it has rendered the universe a very different place.”
“Yes” I said, “though exciting, I don’t think I like my place in this new universe.”
“Honey, you need to understand that your place in this universe has not changed.”
“So, have you been swept off your feet by other men in the past that I did not know about?”
“No” she said pleadingly. “I have been able to let myself be swept up in this because I know that you are my foundation - my one true love. I would never have been able to do any of this if I had thought it would, in any way change us.”
“I can assure you Lindi, that it already has. Maybe not for the worse – I’m way too confused right now to be able to say for sure – but it has definitely changed the universe forever.”
“Not for worse,” she demanded. “It is our choice whether to make it for better of for worse”
I could not help but marvel at her ability to manipulate our conversation to maximize its meaning. For better or for worse indeed.

“I am in a place that I have never been,” she went on. “A place I did not know existed. I would never have been able to go here if I did not have confidence in our ability to navigate it together for better. Your love and ability to explore and find the best in things is the base for this new potion we have stumbled across tonight.”

By this time we were on our third song and the place had actually cleared out a bit. I noticed men looking at her and was again stirred by the erotic nature of what was going on.

“Honey” I said, “I don’t know if I am that strong.”
Without hesitation she said, “Then lets go back to our room and let me show you how much I love the incredible strength that you do have. You are the most amazing man I have ever known. We have had a wild time and we have a lot to figure out together.”

I pulled her to me and held her tight as we danced and did not say anything for a while. I have always been surprised by how much I love my wife, but this was a new and interesting wrinkle for sure. As the song ended we stepped back and looked into each other’s eyes with a sort of communication that can only happen between people who have been lovers for a long time. It is a sort of communication that cannot be translated into words because it contains emotions, memories and desires that are too textured for words or any external medium.

Our gaze was disrupted by a tap on the shoulder. It was Tom, who had come to say good-bye as his party was leaving.

“But Tom,” I said, “You have not had the dance you promised Lindi.”
“I know,” he said “but my party is leaving.”
“We understand if you need to leave with them, but if you would like to stay, we would be happy to give you a ride later.”
“Well, that does sound inviting. Let me run that by my sister and see how it flies.”

On our way back to our table Lindi looked loveningly into my eyes and said, “You seem to be feeling plenty strong.”
“Virility is nothing more than the love of a good woman.”
“Then should be the most virile man alive.”

Back at our table we began to discus the ingredients of this surprising potion that seemed to have changed our universe. She confessed that, thanks to the liquore, being unknowingly exposed had dawned on her with powerful affect. That erotic component had mixed with her anger and disappointment in me to create a strong essence of independence. “...which in turn mixed,” she said, “with your sweet and honest regret and concern to create a strange new flavor of love. That in turn mixed with the knowledge that this was turning you on to create a sense of freedom, which mixed with the alcohol and being away from home to create a bohemian desire for abandonment.”

"That is a complicated receipie" I said. "what part did Tom play in all of this?”

"Well, he mixed in to the formula, even before I first danced with him, when He looked at me with those warm brown eyes from the table where he was sitting. This happened when we first came in, so perhaps it was even before he had noticed my indecency.”
Hearing her speak of her emotions for another man was stirring my passion and insecurities into my own strange concoction.

She went on, “then when we danced, he held me tight, but did not grope as some of the other men had tried to do. And he is a VERY good dancer.”

After we had our fight and he came over and was so warm, understanding, intelligent, and not at all pushy, I felt like I was falling in love with him, which was probably the Alcohol because no one, especially me falls in love with a total stranger in the presance of an adoring husband. It was surely the Alcohol that compelled me to let him see down my dress. But that was a dangerous mix because the more attention he gave me the more I wanted him to see me, and the more I let him see me, the more rapt became our conversation. I was really interested in what we were talking about but I had to focus hard on the conversation to be able to stay in it. I was lost in his brown eyes and my lust. I was aching for him to touch my breasts. I think that I would have come if he had.”

I was about ready to come just hearing her talk like this. Never before had she revealed such erotic thoughts, especiallyt about another man.

It was 1:00 a.m. by this time. Lindi said, “well its probably a good thing he could not come back because things might have gotten out of hand. Once I realized that this was turning you on I’m not sure that I could have held back.”

“Yeah, to be honest with you I don’t think I have ever been this turned on: seeing him looking at your breasts and knowing that you were intentionally exposing yourself for him and getting turned on by it. Hearing you talk about your desire for him has me ready to explode.”

“I am too. Shall we go to our room and see what we can do about this problem?”

“I don’t know. I’m afraid of what will happen when we break the spell. Will we be able to recover? Will we ever be able to return to this place? Can we dance one more time? Can we dance with the light behind you?”

“Let’s dance to the side and let me work up the courage.”
“This might help too,” she said as she downed her glass of Champaign.

We danced enveloped in each other’s arms and lost thought of others looking on. We had been dancing for a while when we were again distracted by a tap on the shoulder. Again, it was Tom. He apologized for being late and explained that he had taken his sister and brother in-law home so that he would not have to bother us for a ride home later.

He said he hoped it was not too late to claim his turn with the prettiest girl at the dance. With that he slowly slid his hand down Lindi’s back until it was resting more on the flare of her bottom than on the small of her back. She blushed and had the unmistakable shudder of an orgasm. I looked at her with wide eyes and she just sort of shrugged as if to say, “I don’t know how that happened.” He probably also knew what had happened, as his hand was on her to feel the response.

“May I” he said.

“She’s all yours,” I said with more sincerity than I was comfortable with.

I returned to the table to watch intently as she snuggled into him and caressed his body as he held her tight. They stayed in a distant and rather dark corner but I could pretty well see what they were up to and it was making me harder than I had ever been even as a teenager. After a while she slid her hand to feel his butt. And he did not hesitate to follow suite. When the song was over she looked up at him and he pulled her to him and they kissed. I could not be sure from the distance I was at, but I was fairly certain that she had another orgasms while on the dance floor. When the last song was announced, they let go of any inhibitions they might have had. The place was almost empty so more light was getting to the dance floor and her dress was little more than a gossamer window dressing. Though now her intimacy was being lightly touched by his fingers that had slipped under her dress. There were many people sitting at tables gapping drunkenly at this surprising display. One woman seemed to be angry and trying to get her resisting husband to leave. Several other couples seemed to be bound to the erotic display as an enhancement to their own desires.

When the band stopped. Tom and my wife moved slowly, arm in arm, to our table not wanting to end the magic that was flowing between them.

Once at the table I commented on how hot they were.

“You are a lucky man,” said Tom. “You have an incredibly beautiful and intelligent wife. I have never had a more enjoyable night of dancing. Wouldn’t it be my luck that it would be with another man’s wife? She is also fortunate to have a husband so loving and secure as to indulge her so. She told me many times while we were dancing how much she loves and respects you.”

“She probably also told you that this behavior is something totally unexpected and new to us.”

“Yes she did, which makes me all the more grateful to be a part of your love potion.”

Hmmm? She must have told him a good deal to include him on our metaphor.

“Well,” I said “shall we continue this conversation in our room?”

“Honey!” Lindi said with a certain amount of alarm. “Are you sure you want to do that?” Her question left no doubt about her desire or her inability to control it if given the slightest opportunity.

“Absolutely” I lied. In fact I was terrified - a terror eclipsed only by my erotic desire.

I was literally shaking with anticipation. Once in the elevator I was unable to contain myself and I pulled Lindi to me and kissed her passionately and slid the strap off of her shoulder so that the dress fell open exposing her breast. She made a furtive effort to cover herself. I was more than a little relieved that she returned my kiss with a reassuring level of passion. When we broke she looked into my eyes and said, “I love you so much.” This newfound potion, this erotic drug, seemed to be affecting her the same way it was me.

“We are going to need that love to sort all of this out.” I said.
“I have complete confidence that we can do that,” she said
“Lets not worry about the sorting out for now. Lets explore this new lust with confidence in our love.” And with that I cupped her exposed breast and leaned in to kiss her again. She ran her hand up my thigh to the prominent bulge in the front of my pants. I was saved by the bell as we reached our floor.

I felt like a teenager in the back seat again. As soon as the door close to our room, I went for Lindi’s dress with singular intention. But she stopped me and suggested I pour every one a drink while she changed. She turned and went into the bathroom. Looking after her I wondered if she could possibly put something on that would be sexier than that dress.

God!!! Could I manage something so simple as pouring drinks with this level of sexual tension coursing through my body?

Tom took this opportunity to explain that as much as he wanted my wife that we shouldn’t do anything that would jeopardize our obviously sound marriage.

“Your probably right. There’s no sense playing with fire when what we have is so good. We’ll have this drink and then you can take your leave.”

I could see the excitement drain from Tom’s face as I said this.

It was cruel but I could not help but pause just a bit before laughing and telling him that we had gone too far to turn back now. Just as quickly his face lit up again and he laughed nervously.

The drinks needed ice. I reluctantly left to get the ice. I knew that in my absence Lindi would appear wearing something spectacular. I hurried to find the ice machine but it was all the way on the other side of the floor down two long corridors. I was practically running to get back.

When I opened the door there was my beautiful wife wearing a very sheer full length gown that clung to her. It was immediately apparent that she had nothing on under it – a gown she had bought especially for this trip, with me, and no one else, in mind. But it was not my arms she was in, or my mouth that she had her tongue in, nor was it my hand caressing the soft fabric over her bottom. They stopped and looked at me with uncertainty, as I stood there staring in amazement, bewilderment and excitement. How was it possible that my modest Lindi was nearly naked in this man’s arms?

Finally, she said, “Honey, are you alright?”

I had to admit that I didn’t know. But that I had never seen anything so beautiful and arousing. She smiled and said, “I sure am glad that you feel that way.”
--------
She came over to me and took the ice bucket from me and finished making the drinks I had started. She knew full well the impact she was having on us as she glided around in her long clinging and perfectly sheer gown.

Lindi normally keeps herself neatly trimmed, but it was obvious that she had completely shaved for the occasion. I wondered if it was possible that she had done that while changing but figured that was not likely. Our room had a sitting area and somehow Tom and I ended up sitting on the soffa while Lindi was in an armchair looking more radiant than I had ever seen her. Though I was a little disappointed in the seating arrangement, it was nice for us to both be sitting before her. And she was holding forth with a confidence and radiance that I had never seen in her.

Tom seemed to be ever the literary type. As we sipped our drinks he launched into a soliloquy on the erotic element in great literature. How it was so often discussed in code and when it was not itself in code that it was a metaphor for other aspects of life. He said it was both a muse and the object of the muses. He was clearly well read as he referenced many great literary works.

He went on to say that great literary figures had provided us with more than beautiful art filled with the erotic element but that they themselves had often been the pioneers of erotic adventur, exploring outside of social limits, just as Lindi and I were doing on this night.

Amazingly his discussion was interesting and compelling despite my overwhelming desire to be more physical. It was, in fact, like fuel on the fire.

“These are indeed magical times when we can find the potion that liberates us from the box of convention. You are intoxicated by the idea that soon I will penetrate your wife and that she will be overwhelmed with desire for me. And Lindi you are amazed to give yourself over to such abandon. This eroticism is spiced with more than freedom. You have, in a sense, entered a parallel universe available to all but entered by so few. Anything is possible at this point. We are all amazed and excited that this is happening. The poets are led to this place by their muses to live life to its fullest and find inspiration and new territory. Why do you think that so many of them are bisexual? They are no different than the rest of us, other than to the extent that they are not afraid to follow their muse and explore the full range of human labido of human potential.
“Are you suggesting,” Lindi asked, “that the two of you could make love?”
“More than that, I am suggesting that anything is possible.”
“This is all very interesting,” I added “but, to be honest, it is making me a little nervous.”
“You shouldn’t be,” Tom said. “I’m fairly sure that I have no more interest in men than you do. But right now if Lindi were to ask me to perform oral sex on you I could do it, and I’m guessing that you could too, and maybe even enjoy it. She is our Muse. By the same token if we were to ask Lindi to do something that she nrmally would not do, she might enjoy doing it. Erotic freedom is our frontier.

“Let me show you my point.” And Tom moved over to Lindi and helped her to her feet. He turned her around for both of us to gaze on. “My God Lindi, you may be the most beautiful woman I have ever seen," he said. The fabric clung to her shapely small breast and tapered down to her feminine flared hips and around her voluptuous bottom. I was indeed spell bound.

He reached and pulled her arms behind her back making her breast jut out all the more prominently with her small nipples easily visible through the cloth. He held her arms back with one hand as he started caressing her with the other. First her face, which she laid tenderly in the palm of his hand. He traced her pretty lips with his finger. He slid his hand down her neck and to her shoulder, a very sensitive place for Lindi. Sensing her pleasure, he continued to run his hand over her shoulder, and she softly moaned. He lightly traced her breast that she pushed wantonly at his hand. After teasing both breast until she could hardly breath, he moved his hand down to her waste and pulled his other hand from behind her back. As he did this she moved to touch him. But he moved her hands back and she knew to leave them there. He ran his hands over her hips and to her bottom and with a hard sudden jerk he brought her to him. She threw her head back and he consumed her mouth with his. She moaned hard into his mouth. He moved around her and I knew that she had cupped his hard-on with her pinned hands.

As I watched, he again caressed slowly from her shoulders down to her breasts. She moved hungrily with him. He cupped her small breasts in his strong hands and she went weak in the knees but he steadied her. He moved down the silk of her gown to her flat stomach and I could see her tighten it in anticipation. His fingers stopped just above her pubic mound and moved to her thighs. He slid his body down against hers until his face was resting on the checks of the bottom. She moved back against him and he slid back up until the bulge in his pants was nestled into the soft fabric of her gown and pushing at her bottom.

I was amazed that he had not cum yet as I was sure that I would in any moment despite the fact that I had not touched her myself.

He spoke smoothly and with confidence. “Now I want you to cum for me.” And with that he slid his hands down over her mound and back up next to her clitoris. I could see she was weak and he said. “Are you ready?” She could not speak, she just nodded her head and pushed at his hand between her legs. Again he pulled his finger up along the length of her lips and along the side of her clit and with that she shuddered and screamed “OH God!!!! I’m Cuming!!!”

In all of our years together I had never heard Lindi scream out like that. She drew her breath in and began to sob.

Concerned, I rushed to her. “Lindi, Darling are you okay? What is wrong?”

“I don’t know,” she sobbed. “That is the most intense orgasm I have ever had and I don’t know why I’m crying.”

Tom let her go to my embrace and I almost dropped her surprised that she could not hold any of her weight.

She continued to sob as I held her. After some time She held my face in her hands, peered at me through tear soaked eyes and told me how much she loved me. I was confused, in love and extremely horny. All I could say was how beautiful she was and how much I wanted her. She said she wanted me too. I told her that I wanted to see her with Tom before she came to me. Laughing she said that she was okay with that too.

Her gown was not even off and already she had had the most powerful orgasm of her life at the hands of another man. And amazingly it was the biggest turn on of my life. We were definitely some place we had never been before.

Tom moved in behind her and we made a Lindi sandwich. She leaned back against him and tried kissing him from the side. I was inches from my wife’s face as she tried to consume this man’s tongue while he had his hands on her breasts. As he moved his hands down her gown to again touch her swollen lips, his hands slid against my erection. Surprisingly this did not bother me. It was nice. Not like Lindi touching me, but in the connection of friends sharing something very special. We were sharing my wife and so it was okay to be touched by him and I did not move away. I felt connected in a way that I had ever felt before.

I was a bit shocked, though, when after a while his hand left Lindi and caressed my bulge. He had gotten the wrong idea. I was uncomfortable and didn’t know what to do but neither did I want to stop my own focus on Lindi and what was happening between the two of them. He seemed to sense that this was not what I wanted and moved his hand back up to her breast. Lindi was lost in arousal. Seeing his hand on her breast was such a turn on for me and I pushed into Lindi. She moaned and in a dreamy voice said I liked that. I thought she meant me moving against her but Tom asked what she liked and she said, "I liked you touching him."

Oh Geez. I was in trouble. But Tom saved me and said “I don’t think he was all that crazy about it.” Good, I thought, off the hook. But in her dreamy voice she said, “but I thought we were on the new frontier where anything is possible?”

“Honey,” she said “Did you like it?”

“I don’t know. It was a little strange.”

“What, about any of this, is not stranger?”

She had a point. But why was she pushing this?
She turned around to face Tom and she pushed her beautiful bottom against my hard-on.

She kissed Tom deeply and wrapped herself around him.

She said that she wanted to see him naked.

I moved back and sat on the soffa and watched my wife slowly unbutton his shirt and remove it. After carresing his chest she moved down to unbuckled his belt. Before she undid his pants she ran her hands along his prominent bulge. Then she slid down and began kissing the front of his pants. This was a bit of a surprise because normally she is reluctant with anything close to oral sex. Next she unzipped him and with a bit of maneuvering managed to free his erection. I must admit that I had never been excited to see a man’s penis before, but this time I definitely was. That probably had to do with my wife’s delicate hands being wrapped around it and her face being inches from it.

With out hesitation she leaned forward and licked the precum from its tip, and then, as if she were an old pro, she slid the head into her mouth and mounded her appreciation into it. There was no doubt that this was the hottest thing I’d ever seen.

She pulled off and said “Oh God! That is good!” This was my wife, who was only willing to reluctantly perform oral sex on special occasions, proclaiming her love of another mans cock?

Why was I finding this so exciting? I wondered. But I was way too turned on to ponder difficult questions.

Again she slurped down on it and again she came up saying how much she loved it.

Tom must have been thinking about cleaning catfish to keep from cuming. I knew that he probably would not be able to hold off for long and wondered what would happen if he came in Lindi’s mouth, something she had never allowed.

After a couple more mouthfuls she stood up and pointed out that she had never liked giving head before. I was back to feeling threatened by my wife’s new, and improved, lover. But I was also beside myself with her sexual energy and beauty. She came over to me and said, “Isn’t that weird?” “Yes” I agreed not wanting to elaborate on my own feelings of inadequacy. Before I knew it Lindi had planted a big passionate kiss on me and I could definitely taste him. I’m not sure why, but, for some reason, this turned me on even more. I returned her kiss and put my tongue in her mouth and I licked her lips. She pulled back and looked at me with a knowing expression and said, “you like it too don’t you?”

“I don’t know,” I stammered, more than a little confuse and embarrassed.

“That’s okay” said Tom, “new frontier.”

I sort of laughed and started trying to take Lindi’s gown off. She let me slip the top down. But then stopped me and said, "if you want to take it all the way off you have to suck Toms cock."

“No way” I protested.
“Then no more of this,” she said as she pulled the straps back up and tucked her breasts back into her gown.
“Honey, haven’t we gone far enough into the frontier for one night?”

“You want to see Tom Fuck me don’t you?”
“God yes!!! I do,” I panted.
“Well isn’t that further into the frontier?”
“Yes it is,” I admitted, “but that is different, you are used to being with a man.”
“I am used to being with ONE man. If you want to go further you must suck Tom.”
“What makes you think Tom wants me to do that?”
“The frontier was his idea. What do you say Tom?”
“Well, I don’t know. I’ve never been sucked by a man. I’m always up for something new, but I’d hate for someone to do something that they really didn’t want to.”
Lindi said “You will never know if you like it if you don’t try it. Besides didn’t you like tasting him when you kissed me?”

“Yes, but that was different. I liked the idea of him being in your mouth not mine.”

“Honey, I really want Tom to fuck me,” she teased. “Please suck his cock so I can then have it deep inside of me.”

I had never heard Lindi talk even remotely like this. I wasn't sure if she was doing it because for the affect and I didn't care. it was sending me over the top.

“Okay, but just for a second or two.”

Lindi wrapped her arms around me and kissed me deeply again. In a tone of voice I had not heard since she was a teenager she said, “Can you believe we are doing this?”

“No” I said “As a matter of fact, I can’t”

To stop my pouting Lindi slowly pulled her gown from her shoulders revealing her breasts and then slowly slid it down to her waste and asked if I would take it the rest of the way off. I stood behind her so that Tom could see her come into view and I slid the gown over her hips and let it drop to the ground. She stepped out of it and stood totally naked before us.

While Lindi had been convincing me to embark on a new and foreign lifestyle, Tom had removed the rest of his cloths. This made what lay before me seem all the more daunting. Though Tom was a good looking and very fit man, this was not enough to make me want what I was being asked to do. Nor was the fact that he was a good bit better endowed than myself and firmly erect.. Seeing Lindi naked before him though did seem to make the prospect a bit more enticing.

Tom was sitting in the chair and Lindi sidled up to him and stroked his cock. She said, “isn’t this a beautiful cock?” and as if she could not help herself, she lowered her mouth over it again with a loud “MMMMM”

She came up and said, “come on over here.” And she slid down it again. I moved closer and she kept sliding her mouth down over it. His shaft was wet. There is no doubt that watching my once oral sex adverse wife going down on this man’s cock was one hell of a turn on. Slowly I approached and soon my head was on level with hers as she continued to indulge herself on his large cock. She released it from her mouth and it jumped free. Seeing this cock spring from my wife’s mouth was so crudly erotic that it made the thought of putting him into my own mouth seem almost natural. She turned and kissed me with the fresh taste of him on her lips. His cock was an inch from my face and I was tasting him on my wife’s lips. I was ready to take the plunge but again she slid her mouth down his shaft while she cupped his balls in her little hands. And again she turned to kiss me. Now I could smell him as well as taste him. And again she engulfed him and turned to kiss me, except this time she did not pull entirely away from his cock so when I leaned in to kiss her his cock brushed my lips. I was intoxicated with the smell and taste of him on my wife. When she went down on him again and I leaned in I kissed her briefly and then took the head in my mouth. It felt strange but sexual and Lindi’s lips were there too. Lindi and I kissed passionately with him brushing between our lips. He was moaning and I was afraid that he was going to cum, but I did not want to stop until I had better experienced this. I though perhaps I was actually enjoying this. Finally I let him slip all the way inside my mouth and pushed down a few time. I emerged and took Lindi in my arms and kissed her passionately. I could feel her naked body against me and I could taste him. We kissed hotly for quite awhile as he looked on.

Lindi then slid down saying that I had been neglected and took me into her mouth. I did not let her stay there long as I did not want to cum yet. Tom then asked if he could try. Again I was reluctant but did not know how to say no and figured that If I could suck a man’s cock, letting him suck mine would be a piece of cake. He slid my cock into his moth and seemed to enjoy it. When Lindi slid down to kissed him around my cock I had to pull back right away to keep from loosing it.

When I move back, Tom took Lindi in his arms and she melted like I’ve never seen her melt before. Seeing their naked bodies intwined was amazing. She said that she wanted him to fuck her. I mentioned that we needed protection. It would have been best if we had not waited for this late moment to discuss this topic because we never have condoms, as we do not use them, and never expected to need them. Tom too had not considered the possibility that he might need one. He confessed that he had not been with anyone but his ex-wife since they were married ten years ago. He had not gotten back into the dating scene yet.

We were delirious with desire and unsure what to do. Meanwhile Tom and Lindi were moving against each other in passion. Tom lifted Lindi up in his arms and carried her into the bedroom and laid her on the bed. He said at least we can do this and he went down on her. She almost immediately exploded again screaming out. As she calmed down Tom moved up and lay next to her so that her back was to his front as they laid on their sides spoon style. They lay like this for a while with him caressing her breast and kissing her shoulders. She was pushing her butt against him and I could tell that he was making the most of the contact with her checks.

In time it was too much for them and Lindi reached behind her and moved his cock between her legs but not inside her. He was moving against her and I could see their combined juices coating her. I knew that I should stop this, but it was so incredibly hot and I believed him that he had not been with anyone other than his wife for ten years. The only question was: had she been with anyone else?

Though he was not inside her, his cock had spread her lips and was against her opening and they would not be able to resist much longer. Nor did I want them to.

She asked him to lay on his back and she laid on top of him so that her back was to him and his cock was again sliding over her pussy. In her sex trance dreamy voice Lindi asked me to give her oral sex like this. Of course, there was no way to do this without also touching him. But at this point I was so horny that I would have given her anything that she asked for. Besides, hadn’t I already gotten past this hang up? Actually seeing his juices all over her pussy made it all the more inviting. I did not want her to have an immediate explosion so I licked her lips as he slid between them. The overwhelming smell and taste of their combined juices was incredible and soon I was engulfing both of them together in the most erotic act I’ve ever committed. Despite my best intentions she exploded again. I was concerned that the neighbors would call security.

He continued to slide slowly and gently against her until she worked her self back to a frenzy. This was more than I could take and I pushed him inside her. On the second stroke inside of her he screamed out and started cuming, which started her again. They were thrashing like wild animals. No doubt it was too late to make a difference but I pulled him out. By this time it did not seem that strange to be stoking another man’s cock as it erupted across my wife’s belly and shaved pussy.

They had both come but I had not. He collapsed next to her and she turned and tenderly kissed him. They smiled in the shared afterglow of an intense orgasm. She was gaping and leaking the elixir of their love. The room was pungent and I was in a state of absolute arousal. It occurred to me to push the limits of my new found abilities and drink the tonic, but I thought that might be more than I wanted to look back on. Lindi pulled me to her and asked if I wanted to fuck her. I crawled on her feeling his cum between us and I slipped easily in her. It was warm silky and luxurious. I moved slowly as the two of them continued to cuddle to the side. Lindi was moving between us kissing tenderly and affectionately. I was not able to hold that pace for long and soon I was pounding more passionately and again Lindi rose to the occasion and wrapped her legs around me. As is our usual pattern, when things get passionate we switched positions with her on top. As we were pounding away I could feel Tom’s hand between us. I was passed the point of being freaked out by anything. Soon Lindi bucked hard and came with a scream, which started my own orgasm. This was the most intense orgasm I’ve ever had. I could not slam hard enough into Lindi. I was afraid that I might throw her off the bed, but she seemed to stay on with more resistance than I expected and she had a second orgasm on the heels of the first. Also, something that she had never done. I later learned that Tom had lubricated his fingers and pushed a finger in her butt. This had always been definite off limits. Though she likes butt play, Lindi had never allowed penetration. But for whatever reason when Tom stuck his well-lubricated finger in her it sent her into orgasm and when I was bucking against her Tom was pushing against us with his finger in her butt. This in turn triggered her second orgasm.

This had been the strangest most erotic night we had ever spent. We all drifted off to sleep as the sun was coming up, unsure of what emotions we would wake up to, but too exhausted to let it be a concern.

I fist opened my eyes around noon. Lindi’s naked body was draped face down half over Tom who was laying on his back with his arm around lindi and his hand on her ass. I was snuggled to her back. The sight stirred my morning erection but I fell back to sleep for another thirty minutes. When I woke Tom and Lindi were kissing and fondling each other. And I had been afraid that things would be awkward in the morning. We all made love again, showered and went to breakfast. Tom had to get back to his sister’s house and then head home. Unfortunately he lives about a thousand miles from us but we are keeping up by email and planning on taking a vacation together this summer.

Lindi and I have been working hard on dealing with this whirlwind of emotions. I can say that our sex life has never been better. Though I am still dealing with a good bit of uncertainty about the love that they feel for each other, I know that we will work it out and that things will continue to be good on the frontier. I think it’s going to be a very good year.

Old Story

2008-07-08T17:18:00.000-07:00

This is a story that I wrote some time ago.

Not long ago an old college friend came to town. My wife and I took him out for dinner and drinks and were having a great time reminiscing. After dinner we went to a neighborhood bar and kept on drinking. I had encouraged my wife to wear a short skirt and in my drunken state I started caressing her leg as we chatted. Our friend, who was also made less inhibited than usual, made no effort to hide his gaze and my wife made only feeble attempts to stop my progress up her leg. In time I had pushed her skirt up to her waist, but with her legs crossed there was not much to be seen. I continued to gently caress her. In the course of conversation our friend reached out and touched her well-exposed leg as he made a point in the conversation. As she made no effort to move or cover up, our friend took this as tacit permission and was soon caressing her leg as well. I could tell that she was very excited but she was afraid to uncross her legs. I waited until I knew that she was ready to squirm in her seat and then I pushed the one leg off the other. I only got enough resistance form my wife to make the point that this was my, and not her, idea. She was wearing very sheer black panties but in the light of the bar you could not really see through them. As we continued to caress her inner thighs she slowly let her legs come apart and soon we were taking turns running our hands over the soft fabric of her panties. He and I kept up conversation but she was beyond being able to focus on what was being said.

The place was not crowded and we were the only ones sitting at the bar. To this point we had not said anything about what was taking place. Finally I said, “When she comes we better leave.” The bartender had gotten a little suspicious and was watching from the other end of the bar. When I said this, my wife moaned and bit her lip. I knew that she was close. This was very bold and we were all drunk on more than the liquor. Our friend, who is normally a rather shy person, cupped the back of my wife’s neck and gently turned her head toward him. At the same time he place his whole hand over her mound, which to that point we had only been lightly grazing with our fingers. He leaned in and kissed her passionately on the mouth. She practically screamed into his mouth as she had what she later said was the most intense orgasm of her life. There is no doubt that the bartender knew what was going on. He looked at us in disbelieve and started to walk toward us. I quickly pulled out a credit card and asked for the bill as my wife finished her orgasm and nearly slid from her barstool.

We were laughing hard as we left. We were too drunk to drive but our house was only about six blocks away, so we walked home in the cool night air, which helped sober us up a bit. After the first block the laughter had faded into an awkward silence. I was still very turned on and did not want to loose the momentum that would allow us to continue this fun, so I broke the silence blurting out, “Honey that was the hottest thing that I have ever seen.” Our friend added, “Mmmm, I don’t think we ever did anything that wild in college. That was probably the most fun I have had sense college” and he told my wife that she was a terrific kisser with a great body and beautiful response. I could tell that she was feeling very self-conscious. She said, “I should not have let myself get that drunk.”

I pleadingly said, “It’s okay honey, it’s good to let your guard down sometimes, especially with such a great friend. That was a really special experience.”

She countered, “yes that felt great but I am going to be ashamed and embarrassed later.”

He said, “You don’t need to be. You can choose not to be. I know that it is different for a man than a woman, but I will always treasure that experience. I have always found you to be such a beautiful woman and you guys are such special friends…” And he turned to me and said, “I hope you don’t mind my frankness, it is not like I have always lusted after your wife, but I have always found her so attractive in every way and to be able to share that moment with the two of you… it made me feel so close to both of you.”

My wife said, “ahhhh” and smiled warmly and put her hand on his shoulder as we walked. I was not sure that my feet were on the ground though I knew that the effect was much less the liquor than the affection and erotic arousal. We walked the last block to the house with both of our arms around my wife and her arms around each of us.

Once in the house we were again in an awkward moment, as it was late enough that we should have headed to bed, but none of us wanted to let the fun end. I put on some music and said that I would make us some water with lime to help ward off a hangover. When I returned to the living room with a tray of waters and a bottle of aspirin, they were embraced slowly dancing to the music. I’m not sure where this feeling comes from, I probably should have been jealous, but seeing them together like that made me feel very happy. It felt good that my wife and good friend were enjoying each other. I sank into an over stuffed chair and watched with great affection.

She mumbled into his ear “this is nice.”

He said, “yes, I’m so lucky that your husband is not jealous.”

It occurred to me that they had not heard me come into the room and that they were lost in their own bliss. “Jealous?” she said, “I think that he is in seventh heaven. He finds this very erotic.”

“How nice,” he said pulling her closer to him. They danced quietly snuggling closer and closer. Soon her hands we caressing his butt. Unsure of himself and ever the gentleman, he said, “where did he go with that water?”

“I’m right here,” I said reluctantly revealing my presence.

They both stopped short and turned to me smiling and in unison said, “How long have you been there?”

“Awhile,” I confessed, “I have been enjoying watching you. You are right I am in seventh heaven.”

They came over and took their water and sat on the couch, not so close as I would have liked. Fearing another awkward break, I went over and sat next to her pushing her closer to him. “Are you having fun?” I asked her.

“For now I am,” she said, hinting that she had apprehensions about later regrets. Wanting to assuage her fears I pulled her to me and looked her square in the eyes and said, “honey, you know that all of this is alright, that it is between close friends and no judgment will be passed. What you probably have no way of knowing, as it has surprised me too, is how much seeing the two of you together turns me on.” With that I pulled her into me and kissed her passionately. I ran my hand up her leg lifting her skirt and cupping her bottom in my hand so that our friend could clearly see her feminine shape. She returned my kiss and moaned into my mouth as I squeezed her ass.

I rolled her on top of me and reach over and guided our friend’s hand under her skirt. She nearly squealed with delight when she felt his hand there and her back arched to accommodate his exploration. He continued to caress her as she and I made out. We helped her out of her cloths. In time I could feel his hand as he slipped it under her to reach her clitoris. Almost immediately she screamed in orgasm. She had never been so vocal before.

She sled off of me and undid my pants to free my aching erection and slide into her mouth. As she did he moved behind her and began kissing and licking from behind. This was too much of a sight. I did not want to come so soon.

I moved to the side of her and had her stand and lean over the couch. He was on one side of her and I was on the other as we took turns caressing and suckling her breast and giving her oral pleasure. After she came again, I suggested that she take his pants off.

She made short work of it and we were both surprised at the size of his erection. We had never believed the rumors we heard in college. She licked the length of it and around his balls. She licked her way back up but could not get more than just the head of it in her little mouth. By this time I was behind her and pumping into her. I was more than a little self conscious about my own more average size and was happy to slip it out of sight. I was not pumping hard, as the sight of my wife working on my friends cock was enough to make me come with no stimulation at all. That he was so big was all the more erotic. I did not want to come before seeing that monster buried in her little snatch.

I pulled out and suggested that I provide her with a somewhat smaller snack. We all laughed nervously. He slipped around her and rubbed the head on her opening. She was too preoccupied with what he was doing to pay attention to my needs, which was fine with me, as I, too, wanted to watch what he was doing. I ran my fingers down to her pussy to help open her up for this treat.

It was very odd to feel another man’s penis, especially as it was trying to invade my sacred matrimonial sanctuary. Her pussy was very wet. I ran my finger over her clit, under his cock and dipped it into her pussy. I did this about four times and she started coming. As she was coming, he pushed into her and it was like she had a second orgasm on top of the first one. Now as I moved my finger over her clit it came to rest against his massive wall of manhood that was sliding ever so gently in and out of her. I thought that she was going to hyperventilate.

My whole hand was drenched with their juices. I slid it up her belly over her breast and to her mouth. She inhaled one of my fingers, licking fiercely at its crotch, trying to savor every bit of this nectar. I could smell it strong in the air and it was intoxicating. I found myself also wanting to lick my fingers but I resisted, as the idea was too alien.

I found my way to this pleasure through her mouth. I kissed her deeply tasting the erotic elixir. I licked the corner of her mouth to taste more of it. She sensed what I was doing and asked me to eat her. I was stunned, not believing what I had heard.

She begged, “please honey, just lick my clit.”

Reluctantly, I slid down to her breasts, kissing and sucking trying to summons the courage to do as asked. I had earlier smeared her breast with their juices as I slid my hand to her mouth. I could smell and taste this essence of sex and it filled my senses. As I continued to slide down her body the aroma became more and more pungent. I could hear her moans through her stomach and I became aware of his as well. I could hear the sound of their bodies moving together and the aroma was intoxicating.

By the time I got to her clitoris there was no hesitation. She screamed loudly when my tongue touched it. I felt his penis move against my chin. It occurred to me that this should probably freak me out, but I was in a place of total sexual exhilaration and it did not bother me. In fact it added to the experience. My face was at the juncture of their sex feeling it, smelling it, hearing it and tasting it. I was in tantric heaven. Wanting to better experience this place where sex meets sex, I slipped down to touch their union with my lips. It was wet and slimy and I could not tell where she ended and he started.

My presence seemed to be having an effect on him as he was pounding harder and harder. She was saying something but I could not hear her. My head was filled with that smell and taste and feeling. I wanted to completely submerge myself in it. Without thinking I licked where they came together and I felt his penis going in her. I could feel her vulva stretched to meet it. I could taste them. I was licking him as he slid in and out and I was licking her where he penetrated her. And then it happened. He came out of her and went into my mouth. And then out of me and back into her. And back again. Each time he entered me I was able to take more of him. And then he stayed in me and thrust twice, three times, four times into me and then quickly he shoved back into her and he slammed hard and stayed put tensing up every muscle in his body. I knew that he was unloading in her. Not wanting to push this new experience any further, I withdrew from them.

My wife caught me and pulled me to her. She licked and kissed my face and told me over and over how much she loved me. He pulled away and she and I were kneeling kissing and grinding. My cock brushed against her soaked and gaping pussy and I felt his cum slide onto it. That was a bit more than I was ready for even though it felt silky and warm. I pulled back a bit, but I wanted to be inside of her so I pushed against her and I was swallowed without hardly feeling it go in. It was hot and silky and very, very loose. I was not ready for that so I pulled out.

She went to her knees and swallowed me licking at the base of it to get his juices that had collected there. I was almost immediately shooting into her mouth. We collapsed into each other’s arms and did not move for a long time. I could feel his seaman leaking onto my leg but I was too exhausted to do anything about it. I think that we drifted off to sleep. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever consider something like this happening.

Bad Scripts

2008-01-11T16:46:00.000-08:00

For years I have been trying to coax my wife into a more enlightened perspective on sexuality. Though she has long since abandoned her catholic upbringing, she clearly was influenced by years of being told about all of the things that good girls do not do and being told that all things that relate to sex are nasty and sinful. Don’t get me wrong she is very open minded, a good sport and even adventurous. So we have had some nice exciting escapades over the years. Many times she has even showed definite signs of enjoying herself. But she always feels compelled to discount her pleasure. A lot of this has to do with the scripting that we are given such as good catholic girl.

Unfortunately, a lot of it also comes from the negative examples of jerks. Recently, my wife, who teaches elementary school, had just such an experience. One of her students went from being a well behaved good student to being a royal pain in the ass almost over night. She called the parents and, as she suspected, things had not been so great at the boy’s home. The parents had split up and were fighting. She had a conference with the boy’s mother and they came up with some strategies for making the best of the situation. Not much was said about the father but my wife had the sense that maybe he was a good deal of the problem even though the mother did not say much about him; or maybe because the mother did not say much about him. About three weeks went by and things, while not perfect, had improved. Then the father called and said that he was very worried about his son. My wife scheduled a conference to meet with him and suggested that he ask the mother to come along as well. He said that he would ask her. But when he showed up she was not with him and my wife felt that he had not asked her.
As the man talked about the problems with his son, he talked also about the problems between he and his wife. The man seemed to be distraught over the break up of his marriage. My wife felt bad for him.

And then out of the blue he started saying that he needed to be disciplined. My wife was confused and thought that maybe he was feeling guilty about something that he had done to his wife or son. But it quickly became apparent that he wanted my wife to discipline him for sexual pleasure. He said things like “I have been very bad. I need you to spank my naked bottom.” I have a hard time imagining my wife in that situation but she convinced him to leave. She came home very shaken up - literally in tears. Her emotions were a mix of disgust, sadness and anger.

I can well imagine that the man mistook my wife’s natural compassion as something different. Also, she tends to be rather clueless about men coming on to her. In all likelihood, the man was sending signals and when she did not pick up on them he took it as tacit approval of what he wanted.

I ended up being somewhat of a jerk myself, because in my wife’s emotional state I tried to help her make sense of it by stating these speculations about her missing clues. She was angry at the man for insinuating his sexuality on her and for being so inconsiderate of his son and now she was also mad at me for not understanding.

In the end she calmed down and even agreed that it was possible that she may have missed signs. But her perspective is that there should not have been signs, what he did was totally inappropriate. I cannot disagree with that. Nonetheless, I cannot help but also view this as somewhat of a misunderstanding of value systems. Don’t get me wrong, I think that the man was a selfish bastard. But I don’t think that he had a clue that what he was feeling would be perceived as such a violation.

Unfortunately, in my wife’s mind, like that of most of our society, that sort of selfish disregard for others in pursuit of ones own sexual gratification is the big brush with which all sexual liberty gets painted. This event just happened last week. It is a big step back in the effort to get my wife to open up sexually. I can’t blame her. But at the same time I can’t help but feel that the same mixed up sense of sexuality our society has that helped make this man the jerk that he is has also helped shape her sex negative attitudes.

Sexual Scripts

2008-01-05T09:09:00.000-08:00

We need new sexual scripts. The ones that we have are very limited. There are two basic types of sexual scripts, those that deal with how to be sexual as an individual and those that deal with sexual relationships. The boundaries of these scripts are defined with terms such as perverted, sick, twisted etc. And it is not just the uptight religious right that defines the limitations of these scripts it is also many of us who seek a broader perspective. I don’t know how many times I have heard someone who is way into some fetish that most would consider perverted say something like “but I’m not into sick stuff like (fill in the blank with any of those things that you think are sick.)” We, as a culture, need to come to a more liberated and tolerant sense of sexuality.

The fact is that in most cases these things aren’t sick. They are, in fact, healthy. Just as dreams are our way of processing things in our subconscious, sexual fantasy and fetish is how we process them in our immediate, if not meta-conscious. We use our sexuality as a means of healing wounds and insecurities. Often we do this by sexualizing that which we need to process. For example, a significant number of people who declare BDSM to be their fetish have had traumatic sexual experiences as children. The more pervasive the fetish the more likely the correlation to past abuse. People into BDSM are not sick; they are healing. The more we know about the restorative powers of sexual fantasies and fetishes the better equipped we will be to make ourselves secure. This is a crucial aspect of actualizing human potential.

There are also scripts for how we are sexually within a relationship. The socially excepted script is one man and one woman who have no fantasies or fetishes but who enjoy warm intimacy within the confines of vanilla sex no more than once a week behind the closed and locked doors of their matrimonial bedroom. These people do not dwell on, or speak about, this basically dirty and sinful aspect of life.

There is another script as well. It is the script of the perverted. The perverted are any couple who act outside of the accepted script. This is a villain’s script, which is avoided and usually denied when taken. The only people willing to take on this script are couples with two very high libidos. Such couples are usually driven mostly by the physical pleasure. They tend to diminish the emotional aspects of sex. These couples are often very clear in the no-strings-attached nature of what they are after. The purely physical pursuit of this lifestyle tends to reinforce a negative stereo type for most other.

There are two major problems with this pervasive two-script world view. First of all it leaves a lot of people unintentionally living by disingenuous scripts, whether they are living the perverts script and seek psychologically deeper connections or they are stuck in the conventional scrip and seek broader expression. Generally speaking most men seek more and kinkier sex and most women seek deeper connection in sex. This dichotomous world view also leaves our sexual potential, which is essentially the same thing as human potential, crippled.

The mechanics by which this world view has been created and maintained are complex. And, like most complex things created over a long period of, it is durable and seemingly sustainable. Changing this world view will take time and energy. The fact is that we do not want to destroy this world view. There is more baby than bathwater in the whole system of human connections.

Yes, we are talking about the whole structure of human connection here. It is folly to consider sexuality, one of the strongest forces in the creation of human bonds, without recognizing the far reaching implications of such forces.

One of the reasons that our view of sexuality is so limited is because we have always considered sexuality only as a very personal and private thing. But in fact sexuality is one of the basic binding force on which we build all of civilization. Failing to consider it in the broader context allows such limited perspective as we have with the two basic scripts.

Those who think that the sexual revolution happened in the sixties and seventies are looking at the foot hills and calling them mountains. The sexual revolution is not what happens when we open the doors to our bedrooms; it is what happens when we open our minds to the power and potential of human sexuality.

Cross posted at http://www.flickr.com/groups/sexissues/

2007-12-02T08:31:00.000-08:00

I have been thinking lately about sexual profiles. I think that it was Kinsey who created a profile of the gay straight continuum. While this was a big step forward for the time, it is time to step further. For one thing I doubt that the gay straight line is a single continuum. It is more likel a complex made up of many variables. Certainly the overall complex of human sexuality is much more complex than this. Yet I have not seen much in the way of matrix profiles that seek to deal with this aspect of our nature as has been done with other personality (Myers-Brigs) Profiles and behavioral (DiSC) profiles.

The popularized personality and behavior profiles seem to be part chaos theory and part astrology. These profiles each take four basic attributes placed in a continuum and they create a matrix that supplies ratios and relationships between these continuums that provide highly detailed and fairly complex information about the individual. A small sample of the personality pattern is projected onto the larger field with the assumption that the overall pattern is going to be similar to the smaller pattern. This seems to work fairly well. Of course within the range of the single measures of the matrix the descriptors are rather vague. People are always amazed at how well these tests describe them, but I’m fairly certain people would be able to project themselves into almost any reading. Most of us could easily see ourselves as being described as an introvert or an extrovert. When someone tells you that you are an introvert, even if you are an extrovert you are going to think of those aspects of your personality that do not fit the extrovert concept, even if those aspects are few and far between.

But I am not a complete naysayer about these profiles. While I’m inclined to view them with a certain level of skepticism, I also think that they do provide some general information that can be helpful. But most significantly they provide a lexicon for speaking about personality and behavior in more complex and sophisticate ways. With these profiles we begin to think about personality as a complex of interacting ratios. With deeper understanding people tend to feel more in control.

More than anything we need a better lexicon for speaking about sexuality. We need a lexicon that encourages us to think of sexuality in less linear terms. Anyone who thinks that there is a single continuum going from gay to straight with bi being a single rare point in-between has not thought about sex very deeply.

But if we were going to create a four variable matrix from which to read our sexual make up, what would these measures would be? As we think about an answer to this question it might be helpful to think about some various aspects of sexuality. One such aspect might be a distinction between what in sexuality is given to free will and environmental circumstances and what is given to genetics. There has, for some time, been a debate raging that sex has to be one or the other. But I’m pretty sure that it is both. Don’t get me wrong, I find the suggestion that people choose to be and can be “cured” from being gay as intellectually and socially reprehensible. But by the same token, I see the rebuttal as being overly reactive. There is a component of free will in the sexual equation.

As someone who is narrowly and restrictedly straight, I have, nonetheless, been able to expand my sexuality and find aspects of physical intimacy that I can enjoy sharing with men. No doubt some of this has to do with finding different ways of thinking about and defining intimacy. An example here, not from my own experience, is homophobic men going to a tit bar. These men do not seem to recognize that even though they are looking at the women, they are sharing the experience with their buddies. These are typically guys whose limited perspective hampers their ability to relate to and connect with women on anything but a purely physical level so they are left to find a rather twisted intimate connection in sexuality by sharing a sexual experience with their hunting buddies who they can better relate to. A gay friend once told me that the surest, if not most dangerous, place to find a cock to suck was at a tit bar after midnight when these guys are drunk and horny and looking at going home to a lonely and angry wife.

Buddies slapping each other on the back while laughing and stuffing dollar bills into a girl's G-string is a bisexual experience. While I have never found it desirable to share intimacy with men in quite this same setting, I have, nonetheless, found similar connections. For example I love sharing my wife with another man. While I don’t want her to be enjoyed only as an object like the impersonal dancer, I do crave the camaraderie of sharing her with another man.

I once had a relationship with a married couple. On Friday nights I would go to their house around 8:00. He and I would sit and have a drink while listening to music or watching a ballgame, while she puttered getting ready for the nights festivities. She would set candles out in the bedroom and put music on. She would put their child to bed and put something nice on and eventually join us in the living room for a drink and some conversation on the way to erotic play. He and I enjoying each other’s company without her was a part of the seduction of the evening. When she would join us in the living room there was a sense that she was joining an already established bond. While I felt connected to him within the context of this sexual dance, it was nothing like the connection I had with her that was more passion driven and directly erotic. I had no desire, for example, to kiss him. And while I enjoyed his touch within the tangle of bodies it was not like her touch. Nor did I desire to hold him in my arms. But only within a narrow and unsophisticated analysis could one say that I did not have a sexual and even intimate relationship with him.

My connection to her was significantly a factor of biology. Even thought the nature of my attraction to her was colored by the circumstances the basic attraction would have been there regardless of those circumstances. It was biological. I had no such attraction to him. What I desired and enjoyed from my relationship with him was wholly a construct of the circumstances.
As we think about a sexuality profile this distinction between these aspects may be a factor. A ratio between these influences may be meaningful.

Upcoming Adventure

2007-12-01T15:46:00.000-08:00

We will soon be going to Vegas for a few days. While Vegas does not exactly fit into most aspects of my value set there are certainly some aspects of this trip that I am looking forward to. I love watching people and there is no place better than Vegas for that. People are away from home and free to do things that they otherwise would not. I remember being at Circus Circus with my father when I was about 12. My father was on the floor and I was walking around upstairs. I was watching the action below when I noticed a woman in a fishnet pant suit with nothing on under it. I spent the rest o the night running around the balcony trying to keep my eyes on this fascinating sight. While we do not expect to spend any time where there will be children, I do expect Lindi to be well exposed for most of the trip. With any luck we will find someone for her to play with. Vegas is the kind of place where she can escape some of her inhibitions.

I had put an ad on the LV Craig’s List in hopes of maybe chatting up some potential candidates ahead of time, but after a few shallow and even rude comments I stopped even opening the replies. When sexuality is thrown out as a possibility it becomes the main focus and the whole dynamic is changed. Far better to meet people there and let circumstance that unfold according to the situation and not what you hope the situation will be. In Lindi’s adventures she has enjoyed being with friends more than with strangers and acquaintances. But after college the likelihood of hooking up with friends diminishes.

You often hear that sex ruins a friendship. That has not been my experience. Sex has always made us closer to those friends that we have hooked up with. I have to admit that this has not happened all that often.

Anyway, I will have a camera with me in Vegas and hope to document any adventures that we have. No matter what else happens I expect to watch her pulling a long rigid handle and hoping to for a climatic response. Let’s hope that there will be more excitement than just from the slots.

Whoremone

2007-07-15T08:02:00.000-07:00

This week a very kind person offered to give us a PRO account on Flickr. While tremendously honored, I, nonetheless, had to turn it down. As I understand it, a pro account allows for a higher volume of pictures to be posted. Unfortunately, we have very few pictures and not a lot of opportunity to take more. My wife is both low libido and rather shy. She hates having attention of any kind, and especially a camera, pointed in her direction.

One of the few things that does tend to play a part in the moments when she becomes more adventurous is gifts. It is not that she is shallow or overly materialistic - she is not at all. I suspect that there may be some sort of biological aspect of the connection between women being given gifts and their libido. A biochemical component of women getting gifts and becoming horny would explain a good deal in history and in life, including the first occupation. This would make sense on several levels. Most animal mating rituals equate to the male showing the female that he is the best provider or protector - with humans that equates to money or gifts.

From the archives of my own experience, I can relate a couple of fun experiences. I am always trying to get my wife to connect with other men. There are two primary reasons for this. For her, she connected with me when she was a seventeen-year-old virgin and missed out on the sexual exploration of a young single life. For me, I deal with rejection issues and this is the odd counterintuitive way that we are given to do it.

But the point here is, to put it bluntly, gift giving and putting out. About 15 years ago my wife wanted us to take a vacation that we could not really afford. I suggested that I would do it if she would sleep with a friend that we would be visiting. She shocked me by agreeing. This conversation took place in the car, and 15 years later I can tell you the exact location of where we were when she said that.

Another time we were on vacation, visiting a friend, who was taking us out to a nice restaurant. On the way to the restaurant I convinced my wife to stop at a little boutique and pick out something a little sexier than what she had on. We found a nice dress that clung appealingly to her fit body and was somewhat low cut. Through dinner I noticed that the top was becoming looser. Soon her breasts were visible to anyone walking by and our friend and I were gazing as openly at her breasts as if they were a painting in a museum. Most amazingly she did not cross her arms and cover up as she usually does when she is wear something even slightly revealing. No doubt the wine had a lot to do with this as did the fact that we were on vacation, which is a mixture of relaxation and spending money. But I am convinced that my wife was more unabashed than she has ever been partly because someone was buying her an expensive dinner and expensive wine.

In a sense I am suggesting that perhaps all women are whores. Certainly I’m not the first to consider such a hypothesis, though I hope that my suggestion may be a little less crass than some.
Obviously, I am making this statement based on the very narrow data set of my own experience, which is completely confounded by my own wishful thinking. Do others know of research that may have explored this question? I will be thinking of additional research to do on my own.

2007-07-08T07:39:00.000-07:00

I'm back at least for this single post. As this blog is on my profile at Flickr, I occasionally get responses about it. I will try to do a better job of keeping up and maybe even promoting the blog. I encourage comments. If you have something that you would like to put on the top level please send it to me at sextex@gmail.com.

I am always fascinated by the integrity disconnect that people have with their sexuality. To a large degree there are two camps of people: those who fully embrace, at least certain aspects of their sexuality, and those who build a brick wall around their sexuality, or at least a well fortified bedroom door.

Those who embrace their sexuality tend to be high libido people, and they seem to have no choice in the matter. They tend to bring little attention to any aspect of sexuality other than the purely physical. It seems, for example, that swingers are almost always a couple with two high libido partners.

Most of the rest of society seems to view their own sexuality as taboo. Sexuality contains too much vulnerability for most of us to be comfortable bringing it out in the light of day or with more than the one person that we must trust. For many the vulnerability is too great even for self-examination. People are embarrassed by their sexuality.

I believe that overcoming fear of vulnerability is the key to the next great paradigm shift in actualizing human potential. Sexuality is the most direct conduit other have to our inner identities; as such it is the focal point of vulnerability. Luckily it is also something that we are biologically drawn to.

If we look at the history of human sexuality, it has been a progression from strictly biological function to something that connects us in more sophisticated ways. Certainly the development of romantic love has been transforming. The next step in which romantic love becomes a less guarded link but becomes a more abundent link between wider networks of people will, I believe, provide a new paradigm. One in which relationships become more sophisticated and sustaining of the individual and the community. This paradigm will provide a model of security in which human creativity is free to more fully blossom. Unfortunatley most people remain as open minded about monogomy as they are about politics and religion.

What has been deemed “the sexual revolution” was, I believe, the precursor to the real sexual revolution, which we are on the cusp of. I consider myself a sexual revolutionary. Well okay maybe revolutionary is too bold a word. My goal is to convince people that sexuality is an amazing and beautiful aspect of humanity to be embraced and practiced. Not surprisingly, any efforts along these lines have always been very academic. It is necessary in the academic, scientific, objective to isolate ones own perspective and keep it out of the equation. The academic approach is a safe copout.

We are in need of a social transformation. Most people would agree with the statement that sexuality is a beautiful and even powerful aspect of humanity. However, if you describe most any nuance of some one elses sexual preference, they will make a face and say, “ewwwue.” In comparison take that same person on a nature walk and show them the vast variety of flowers, something that they also recognize as beautiful, and they will immediately find the beauty with fascination.

One of the truly amazing aspects of sexuality is its power of healing. It seems that fetishes are often an aspect of dealing with past injuries. Take BDSM for example, a large percentage of people who are active participants in this lifestyle have experienced traumatic sexual experiences as a child. This is fascinating, beautiful and potentially very significant.

But in order to develop the kind of environment in which people can easily access and explore their sexual identities, we must stop turning our noses up at the unique aspects of individual's sexual make up.

This is important so that we can each embrace with joy our own sexual profile. It is also an important aspect of community building. Take for example the issue of pedophilia. This seems to be a very prevalent aspect of human sexuality. Anyone who spends any time at all on the naughtier side of the internet soon realizes that teens and other aspects of a hunger for youth is probably the most common theme. And this is not simply an aspect of our sick modern society, as evangelicals would have us believe. Certainly the Greeks and other societies embraced it more fully and acceptingly than do we.

I am not prepared to provide apologetics for pedophiles. To the contrary, I believe that one of the ways that culture advances is in the protection of the week and vulnerable. Children should be protected, not from sex, but from those who would prioritize their own sexual preferences. This includes any aspect of coercion. As a liberal I am ashamed of Bill Clinton, not because he had sex in the oval office, lied about it, or jeopardized the integrity of the presidency, but because he had sex with a subordinate. I am disappointed in the liberal community for not calling him on it. Should sexual harassment in the work place be tolerated at any level?

The problem is that we so often fail to distinguish between desires and actions in our hyper judgmental society. It seems that pedophilia is hugely common; it is probably an aspect of dealing with our own experiences as children, yet there is no tolerance for people to deal with it in anyway. If, as a society, we could accept that people have these desires and realize that these fantasies are a mechanism of healing then maybe we could provide outlets that did not involve victimizing children. Pedophiles need to deal with their urges. If we do not provide a means of doing that, they will do it in the worst way possible.

Fortunately, pedophilia is not one of my fantasies, so I have very little to offer in terms of suggestions of how we might create a society that allows for people’s sexual feelings to be accepted in away that does not victimize children. I do know that the fantasies I have are not a matter of choice. They are as much a part of me as my arms and legs. It makes no sense to make people ashamed of who they are. It does make sense to prevent them from victimizing others. Repression seems to be the best predictor that there will be victims. Yet repression is what we insist on.

2006-11-19T12:32:00.000-08:00

[To be played to a bluesy gospel tune]

Ah, sweet spirituality – the baby gone with the dirty bathwater of religion. For so many well-educated and otherwise thinking people, spirituality is counterintuitive. That is because they are trapped in a materialist perspective of Martin Heidegger’s one-track thinking. They have so much faith in the common, static and measurable that they refuse to consider, much less dance with, the glorious universe of the unique, dynamic and unseen.

This universe is the domain of love, friendship, the ability of music to change our mood, beauty and sexuality. We do not need religion, faith in deities or a lack of innocent cynicism to recognize the connections that make the whole greater than the perceived sum of the parts.

Poor, Poor brother Haggard, his soul was sucked by the congregation.
Spirituality spewed forth when he was sucked in the streets of degradation.
There was salvation in the sin.
ise elders will keep that from ever happening again.
Do you know who the devil is,
When life gives you this.

2006-08-23T05:52:00.000-07:00

I have not been around much of late. I will try to get back into the blog thing.

Sex Magic

2005-12-28T07:57:00.000-08:00

As I tend to be overly abstract and could (and will) go on with the axioms of Expanded Intimacy (EI), my goal here is to bring together the erudite and the perverted, the sentimental and the rational, the objective and the spiritual. So let us turn this discussion to the carnival of our sexuality.

Though I am not much of a New Ager, I will say that sex has a rather magical quality about. Sex can be a conduit like no other in facilitating human transcendence. Sartre said that “true” transcendence was only possible at the moment of mutual orgasm, when two people are totally open and vulnerable. While I find the concept of “true” transcendence to be a bit too absolute and the overall declaration to be an over simplification, I would not argue that he is on to two very important components of transcendence.

Perhaps a mother breast-feeding her baby is another point of great transcendence. There is a similar biological magic involved in both moments. This is a spell of hormones that are released, which draw us into emotional closeness.

During the first three to six months of a new relationship there are hormones released that create a great deal of tolerance for the new apple of our eye.

Damn, I am still being abstract. Gee, lets see…these hormones create hard throbbing cocks that desire nothing more than to plunge relentlessly into the wet dripping pussies of craven sluts. Okay, I know that doesn’t really cut it for those lurking for a glimpse of my sweet naked wife. But hopefully the glimpse is enough and in time I can meander my way to the dark margins of deprived and psychologically twisted fantasy.

But, we cannot depend solely on her tender breasts. Other should also supply depictions of graphic vulnerability. Though my preference is for the feminine, please take liberty as you wish.

Dynamic complexity

2005-12-27T11:17:00.000-08:00

I will use this blog to elaborate the ideas of expanded intimacy. I will also use it to reveal and explore the most intimate details of my life and fantasies to provide the balance of reality to the abstractions of theory. I will also use pictures, mainly of my beautiful wife, to provide visual appeal, texture and dimension. I welcome constructive comments on all aspects.

Expanded intimacy contains dynamic complexity. That is, it is intended to model proximally repeating patterns in human existence from the personal to cultural.

The base metaphor is that of the pebble tossed into a calm pool of water. If you are the stone, the first ring is first relationships – primary caregiver. The second ring would be siblings and other first friendships. The third ring would be the formation of a network of friends. Then community; culture, and expanding out in a force that is like gravity in its infinite reach. These are the patterns of connection to the web of existence that, at its farthest reach, connects us in the universe and at its nearest reach connects us to our own existence.

The pebble could also be a group or a culture. The rings radiate in a similar pattern. Unlike the pool, this process is very dynamic. That is everything you do in on ring informs the other rings. So, for example, even if you have a poor relationship with your parents as a child, you may learn something as an adult in relationship to friends or culture that allows you to change the pattern of the inner ring. And especially if you can change the pattern of the inner rings, or the pebble itself, it is going to have a significant impact on subsequent rings. This forms a fabric of connection that is nonlinear.

EI #1

2005-12-01T15:21:00.000-08:00

This is my beautiful wife. I love her dearly, tenderly and uniquely. And here I use the image of her spectacular body to create visceral balance to cerebral rambling

When I first conceptualized the ideas of Expanded Intimacy, I thought of it as a theory. Lately I prefer to think of it as a myth. Not a myth in the sense of ancient religion, but a myth in the sense of a structured metaphor to pour the meaning of life into. The idea is to find a context for a paradigm shift that improves our ability to tap into human potential in a way that will bring sustainable joy, growth and wonder to our experience here on earth.

These ides start out as simple and axiomatic but they soon lead to very different ways of looking at the world that challenge traditional ideas and institutions.

I prefer the landscapes of the margins where we are reborn in innocent irreverence to find meaning in the illogical.

This blog will weave mind, body and connection (spirit if you will.)

Together we can unit perverts and the pious, find the freedom to seek balance in chaos.