Sunday, July 15, 2007


This week a very kind person offered to give us a PRO account on Flickr. While tremendously honored, I, nonetheless, had to turn it down. As I understand it, a pro account allows for a higher volume of pictures to be posted. Unfortunately, we have very few pictures and not a lot of opportunity to take more. My wife is both low libido and rather shy. She hates having attention of any kind, and especially a camera, pointed in her direction.

One of the few things that does tend to play a part in the moments when she becomes more adventurous is gifts. It is not that she is shallow or overly materialistic - she is not at all. I suspect that there may be some sort of biological aspect of the connection between women being given gifts and their libido. A biochemical component of women getting gifts and becoming horny would explain a good deal in history and in life, including the first occupation. This would make sense on several levels. Most animal mating rituals equate to the male showing the female that he is the best provider or protector - with humans that equates to money or gifts.

From the archives of my own experience, I can relate a couple of fun experiences. I am always trying to get my wife to connect with other men. There are two primary reasons for this. For her, she connected with me when she was a seventeen-year-old virgin and missed out on the sexual exploration of a young single life. For me, I deal with rejection issues and this is the odd counterintuitive way that we are given to do it.

But the point here is, to put it bluntly, gift giving and putting out. About 15 years ago my wife wanted us to take a vacation that we could not really afford. I suggested that I would do it if she would sleep with a friend that we would be visiting. She shocked me by agreeing. This conversation took place in the car, and 15 years later I can tell you the exact location of where we were when she said that.

Another time we were on vacation, visiting a friend, who was taking us out to a nice restaurant. On the way to the restaurant I convinced my wife to stop at a little boutique and pick out something a little sexier than what she had on. We found a nice dress that clung appealingly to her fit body and was somewhat low cut. Through dinner I noticed that the top was becoming looser. Soon her breasts were visible to anyone walking by and our friend and I were gazing as openly at her breasts as if they were a painting in a museum. Most amazingly she did not cross her arms and cover up as she usually does when she is wear something even slightly revealing. No doubt the wine had a lot to do with this as did the fact that we were on vacation, which is a mixture of relaxation and spending money. But I am convinced that my wife was more unabashed than she has ever been partly because someone was buying her an expensive dinner and expensive wine.

In a sense I am suggesting that perhaps all women are whores. Certainly I’m not the first to consider such a hypothesis, though I hope that my suggestion may be a little less crass than some.
Obviously, I am making this statement based on the very narrow data set of my own experience, which is completely confounded by my own wishful thinking. Do others know of research that may have explored this question? I will be thinking of additional research to do on my own.

Sunday, July 08, 2007

I'm back at least for this single post. As this blog is on my profile at Flickr, I occasionally get responses about it. I will try to do a better job of keeping up and maybe even promoting the blog. I encourage comments. If you have something that you would like to put on the top level please send it to me at

I am always fascinated by the integrity disconnect that people have with their sexuality. To a large degree there are two camps of people: those who fully embrace, at least certain aspects of their sexuality, and those who build a brick wall around their sexuality, or at least a well fortified bedroom door.

Those who embrace their sexuality tend to be high libido people, and they seem to have no choice in the matter. They tend to bring little attention to any aspect of sexuality other than the purely physical. It seems, for example, that swingers are almost always a couple with two high libido partners.

Most of the rest of society seems to view their own sexuality as taboo. Sexuality contains too much vulnerability for most of us to be comfortable bringing it out in the light of day or with more than the one person that we must trust. For many the vulnerability is too great even for self-examination. People are embarrassed by their sexuality.

I believe that overcoming fear of vulnerability is the key to the next great paradigm shift in actualizing human potential. Sexuality is the most direct conduit other have to our inner identities; as such it is the focal point of vulnerability. Luckily it is also something that we are biologically drawn to.

If we look at the history of human sexuality, it has been a progression from strictly biological function to something that connects us in more sophisticated ways. Certainly the development of romantic love has been transforming. The next step in which romantic love becomes a less guarded link but becomes a more abundent link between wider networks of people will, I believe, provide a new paradigm. One in which relationships become more sophisticated and sustaining of the individual and the community. This paradigm will provide a model of security in which human creativity is free to more fully blossom. Unfortunatley most people remain as open minded about monogomy as they are about politics and religion.

What has been deemed “the sexual revolution” was, I believe, the precursor to the real sexual revolution, which we are on the cusp of. I consider myself a sexual revolutionary. Well okay maybe revolutionary is too bold a word. My goal is to convince people that sexuality is an amazing and beautiful aspect of humanity to be embraced and practiced. Not surprisingly, any efforts along these lines have always been very academic. It is necessary in the academic, scientific, objective to isolate ones own perspective and keep it out of the equation. The academic approach is a safe copout.

We are in need of a social transformation. Most people would agree with the statement that sexuality is a beautiful and even powerful aspect of humanity. However, if you describe most any nuance of some one elses sexual preference, they will make a face and say, “ewwwue.” In comparison take that same person on a nature walk and show them the vast variety of flowers, something that they also recognize as beautiful, and they will immediately find the beauty with fascination.

One of the truly amazing aspects of sexuality is its power of healing. It seems that fetishes are often an aspect of dealing with past injuries. Take BDSM for example, a large percentage of people who are active participants in this lifestyle have experienced traumatic sexual experiences as a child. This is fascinating, beautiful and potentially very significant.

But in order to develop the kind of environment in which people can easily access and explore their sexual identities, we must stop turning our noses up at the unique aspects of individual's sexual make up.

This is important so that we can each embrace with joy our own sexual profile. It is also an important aspect of community building. Take for example the issue of pedophilia. This seems to be a very prevalent aspect of human sexuality. Anyone who spends any time at all on the naughtier side of the internet soon realizes that teens and other aspects of a hunger for youth is probably the most common theme. And this is not simply an aspect of our sick modern society, as evangelicals would have us believe. Certainly the Greeks and other societies embraced it more fully and acceptingly than do we.

I am not prepared to provide apologetics for pedophiles. To the contrary, I believe that one of the ways that culture advances is in the protection of the week and vulnerable. Children should be protected, not from sex, but from those who would prioritize their own sexual preferences. This includes any aspect of coercion. As a liberal I am ashamed of Bill Clinton, not because he had sex in the oval office, lied about it, or jeopardized the integrity of the presidency, but because he had sex with a subordinate. I am disappointed in the liberal community for not calling him on it. Should sexual harassment in the work place be tolerated at any level?

The problem is that we so often fail to distinguish between desires and actions in our hyper judgmental society. It seems that pedophilia is hugely common; it is probably an aspect of dealing with our own experiences as children, yet there is no tolerance for people to deal with it in anyway. If, as a society, we could accept that people have these desires and realize that these fantasies are a mechanism of healing then maybe we could provide outlets that did not involve victimizing children. Pedophiles need to deal with their urges. If we do not provide a means of doing that, they will do it in the worst way possible.

Fortunately, pedophilia is not one of my fantasies, so I have very little to offer in terms of suggestions of how we might create a society that allows for people’s sexual feelings to be accepted in away that does not victimize children. I do know that the fantasies I have are not a matter of choice. They are as much a part of me as my arms and legs. It makes no sense to make people ashamed of who they are. It does make sense to prevent them from victimizing others. Repression seems to be the best predictor that there will be victims. Yet repression is what we insist on.