Sunday, May 09, 2010

Something New

Lindi and I have started going to a couples councilor. We have had one session though it lasted a couple of hours. She is a couple of hours from where we live so we will have less frequent visits that last longer.

I have long had distain for the field psychology and most especially, clinical psychology. Psychology’s attempt to cram something so totally subject into the box of academic objectivity epitomizes the narrowness of western materialism. Though there are some interesting findings to be found in the one variable approach it is always distorted like an impressionist interpretation viewed in the mirror of a fun house.

At the other end of the spectrum is the sort of hippie dippie eastern mysticism, yoga, one love approach. While I find more merit in this approach, Lindi is totally skeptical here. This woman seems to embrace both approaches.

I went into this meeting skeptical and with a sense of desperation. I am totally bruised from running into the brick wall of Lindi’s emotional and sexual inaccessibility but by the same token I am increasingly committed to our relationship and to making it more functional.

The councilor was sort of old hippie funky. At one point she indicated that she had been involved in a swingers’ lifestyle. I think that this put both Lindi and I at ease. This was not so much a sense that she may have some relevant life experiences – though that was also reassuring – but more so that she was willing to relate on a human level and not sit in the Freudian chair of superior, removed, sterile objectivity.

I was surprised at the degree to which both Lindi and I opened up. We immediately started talking about our intimacy and sex issues relating past experiences with complete openness. We had had a couple of sessions with another councilor many years ago in which those issues never came up. That is probably due to many factors including, style of councilor, our age, being out of town and who knows what else.

At the end of the session she asked if we had a presence on the web that would help her better understand us. I completely forgot about this blog. Several days later when I remembered, I asked Lindi if she minded if I shared it. Her initial reaction was, “sure”, until I reminded her that I had put simi-nude pictures of her on the blog. Then she said “maybe later.” My sense is that she will later be willing to share this.

So I started reading back over the blog. Lindi has far less to be embarrassed about than I do. The who thing of anonymity has allowed me to be surprisingly open and revealing. Embarrassing as that is it is not as embarrassing as the ramble written, unedited nature of this. Writing has always been a means of processing for me. I suspect that I would not like writing if I did it with the thought of someone reading it. Though now I guess that I am writing with that with at least the knowledge that someone may read parts of this.

I have always thought that I have ignored this blog, but reading back there is a lot of shit here. I use that profanity very intentionally. While there was a lot of value in the writing I find no value in the reading. I am reluctant to offer this up because it may create a sense of obligation. I have now sat down to read three times and I have not made it all the way through… and it is my shit. I would hate to inflict this level of tedium on anyone. I especially would not want to pay someone to read it.

I have been surprised how much I have stuck to the issue of intimacy and sexuality. Though that was the intent, I am seldom able to keep politics and other distractions out of any writing that I do.

I am also surprised how much of a pervert that I have been. Not that I think poorly of perversion. Nonetheless, it surprises me to think how often I focused on the purely physical. Though, even when I wrote long tedious short stories they managed to weave a lot of my head trash into the lust of the story. I’m surprised how much I focused on the whole cuckold thing. I do not so much think of myself in that role but I do recognize it as an aspect of my fetish even if of a different flavor than most. I think that I am as taken with the idea of a fetish as I am with the fetish itself. This is a fetish built of a fear of rejection mixed with a life relationship well soaked in rejection. I am totally fascinated with the whole process of psychological environment turned into personality projection. I love the intensity of passion that this creates. I feel sorry for those who do not have the scaring to give them this intensity of feeling. I crave nothing so much as to plug this electricity into another’s equal power source. Most especially I want to find Lindi’s power source. Or perhaps more accurately I want her to find it and to share it with me... and others.

I suspect that I could have been content with a totally monogamous relationship if I had engaged with a woman who had access to her own lust and an ability to share it with me. But now I suspect that even if Lindi found that, I would be content with sexual experiences limited to just she and I. The desire of fetish is just to strong to dissolve into traditional contentment.

Because this desire to share Lindi is so grounded in my experiences and it is so intense, I do not trust my ability to see this from a perspective different than my own. Nonetheless, I remain hopeful that she can access a door to her own lust and that that behind that door are other men and me. I know that she is more sexually responsive when engaged with a new lover despite an anxiety response. If she can deal with the anxiety response that has more to do with providing access to her inner self than it does a fear of others. In fact the person she is most fearful of giving access to is herself.

She has a switch that once thrown she easily becomes excited and responsive with another man. But with herself she can only be mechanical. Masturbation and orgasm are a stress relievers created by a machine with no mental connection whatsoever.

I have always also been interested in the BDSM community of the reasons stated above but that has been a far more objective interest. That too is sort of interesting because I view my own fetish as someone what of a similar experience in that it is the product of psychological damage. Also there is a great deal in the range of cockolds that I find no connection to. Most notably this is the whole feminization thing. Not really into the denial of sexual gratification thing either. But these are major components for many who find themselves under this label.

I would enjoy things like spanking and power play with Lindi. There are components of these things in my fetish but I do not see my fetish as that of BDSM. I enjoy pictures and stories of women engaged with men other than their husband, especially if the husband is present. I do not seek out the tied up and spanked BDSM stuff.