Monday, August 25, 2008

Onward Through the Blog

I hope to devote more time to this blog, though I’m not sure where that time will come from. Among other things I am interested in the impact of libido and sexuality on the mechanics of relationships. While I have always had this interest, it is heightened by the failing of my marriage. Though the anecdotal information from my marriage may drive some of this inquiry, one thing that I have become aware of is the wide range of experiences that all couples and partners have in this regard. Even within the narrowest of ranges, this is not a single variable. It is at least two variable, for we are talking about the intersection of at least two libidos. And of course libido is itself a complex of variables much more so than a single variable. So basically we are taking about chaos.

I realize that this approach is neither tantalizingly sexual nor academically objective. I am sliding into the void between those distant domains. Though spacious, this void is not likely to draw many readers. I will content myself with my own mental masturbation and the occasional visitor, who I hope will say hello.

I am also interested in many aspects of social arrangements. As attempts at intimacy in my marriage ends, the relationship does not. For one thing, I have no intention of leaving the home that my children live in until they are off to college. So I have another five years in which to live with my wife. Does this mean that I will not be able to embark on other relationships? It seems that this forced celibacy only serves to drive parents away from their children. If I were to become involved in another relationship this would be viewed as adultery. Open marriages are easier when they only involve secondary relationships, which are much easier to be kept covert. There are those who would suggest an abandonment of convention. But as much as I may disagree with many of societies silly rules, I am not willing to embrace the isolation of complete independence.

Because I deeply love my wife and crave her body and intimacy with her, trying to live in this situation is a turmoil of anxiety and frustration. Nonetheless, she does not share these components of a relationship, which is the reason for the divide. I can no longer convince myself that the door to intimacy and desire can be opened for her. From my perspective this is largely because she is unwilling to admit that it should be opened. She has a sort of intimacy Atticism that makes her afraid of, and numb to, adult intimacy. This intimacy Atticism is manifested in behaviors like displeasure in kissing, touching her even close to her clitoris brings her knees together, and she cannot talk about any level of feelings. When such topics are brought up she has a hard time providing even single syllable responses and immediately changes the subject. Discussions of fantasies and erotic desires are like science fiction to her. She just cannot relate to such things. Though she can have an orgasm with a vibrator, that skill came late in life and it happens very mechanically with not mental or imaginative connection. She seems to need to clear her head of such distractions before her body can respond to the impact of the vibrator.

Under the assumption that this wasthe result of conditioning from a sex negative catholic upbringing, I have tried everything to draw her out. While there have been times that my hopes have been raised, this was always false hope. It is gut-wrenching to give up on this relationship but, at this point, I have to admit that there are physical impediments to her ability to express or enjoy intimacy. Unfortunately there are also physical impediments to my ability to live without intimacy.

Sadly there are significant resentments that are unavoidable. For my part, I resent that she never took the responsibility to communicate to me that this would never be possible. But of course it is that exact inability to communicate on that level that is the source of the problem. But I cannot help but feel that she had to recognize that my anxiety and sadness were being fueled by false hopes that she was feeding.

Right now I am trying to figure out how to negotiate my feelings. For example last night she woke me up because I was lying snuggled up next to her. This is not something that I normally do, but I guess that my loneliness must have invaded my sleep consciousness. This is difficult because while I would totally rejoice if she had physical desire for me, even if only in her sleep, to her this was an annoyance.

After years of this level of rejection, I am ready to move on. Pathetically, despite my idealistic believe in expanded intimacy and plural love, I am basically a rather profound monogamist, at least to the extent that I fit snuggly into a primary relationship. All of my sexual fantasies and desires center on her. I crave nothing some much as to crave someone other than her.

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